Forgetting that it is so good...

There is a powerful and consuming feeling that I had for the last two years of my life. Maybe for the last 15 years, I forget now. This feeling took so much of my energy and time, wrapped it's legs around my heart and squeezed tightly until I lost my breath. This was the feeling of fear and inadequacy towards disappointing those close to me. Even before I came out to my parents, I had the ideas that I would somehow have to convince myself to like women, marry one someday, even if we had to make an arrangement where we were really just good friends, and fool everyone. I am sorry, but how fucked up is that? How does that make anyone happy? How does that reflect God's love, will, desire for us, for me?

After coming out to my parents, I felt an intense pressure of disappointment, granted, much of that was pressure put on by myself. Pressure that I had built up from the last decade and a half of fear. Living in the same house as them for the next 16 months was not a great thing for either one of us. There were good times and even good conversations, but the pressure, oh, the pressure. I always felt that I had to balance a mix of respect, fear and hiding parts of who I am. Again, this was mostly created by myself, in my head, by me. My parent's encouraged me to share what I was doing and thinking with them, it just became so hard to do because of the awkwardness and difficulty of the subject matter. While they said they wanted to know what I was thinking and doing, the actual conversations were too painful and it seemed easier to just stop.

I say these things with deep love for my parents, but with an understanding that we are in a place of confusing miscommunication and we do not understand one another right now.

Since moving to Austin at the end of June, I have been creating a network, circle of people that I would love to be with in community, meal sharing, late night conversations and life questions that have no answers. I have also been meeting many, many people through social outings and just being alive in this great city. What I have taken for granted, mainly because it feels so natural, is that I have spent little to no time guarding people from the fact that I am gay, or even thinking about the social implications. No tricky games in my head. No fear that if this person who knows my friend Joe whose mom is in bible study with my mom finds out that I am at this event then I will have some 'splainin' to do. Just free, just me and I easily forget that this is so good.