Forgetting that it is so good...

There is a powerful and consuming feeling that I had for the last two years of my life. Maybe for the last 15 years, I forget now. This feeling took so much of my energy and time, wrapped it's legs around my heart and squeezed tightly until I lost my breath. This was the feeling of fear and inadequacy towards disappointing those close to me. Even before I came out to my parents, I had the ideas that I would somehow have to convince myself to like women, marry one someday, even if we had to make an arrangement where we were really just good friends, and fool everyone. I am sorry, but how fucked up is that? How does that make anyone happy? How does that reflect God's love, will, desire for us, for me?

After coming out to my parents, I felt an intense pressure of disappointment, granted, much of that was pressure put on by myself. Pressure that I had built up from the last decade and a half of fear. Living in the same house as them for the next 16 months was not a great thing for either one of us. There were good times and even good conversations, but the pressure, oh, the pressure. I always felt that I had to balance a mix of respect, fear and hiding parts of who I am. Again, this was mostly created by myself, in my head, by me. My parent's encouraged me to share what I was doing and thinking with them, it just became so hard to do because of the awkwardness and difficulty of the subject matter. While they said they wanted to know what I was thinking and doing, the actual conversations were too painful and it seemed easier to just stop.

I say these things with deep love for my parents, but with an understanding that we are in a place of confusing miscommunication and we do not understand one another right now.

Since moving to Austin at the end of June, I have been creating a network, circle of people that I would love to be with in community, meal sharing, late night conversations and life questions that have no answers. I have also been meeting many, many people through social outings and just being alive in this great city. What I have taken for granted, mainly because it feels so natural, is that I have spent little to no time guarding people from the fact that I am gay, or even thinking about the social implications. No tricky games in my head. No fear that if this person who knows my friend Joe whose mom is in bible study with my mom finds out that I am at this event then I will have some 'splainin' to do. Just free, just me and I easily forget that this is so good.

A great video about faith and sexuality

"How devastating for all of these kids that couldn't figure out that it was better to be gay than dead. That's not religion, that's not God, that's not good.
No one understands completely anyone else, and the sooner we're able to realize that we don't understand other people, and that's ok, we're not supposed to, the easier it is to just be alright and ok with other people's decisions."

Last Straws...

I have no excuse for being deliriously tired right now at 10 am after a full night's sleep, but I am. Some of my thoughts are half-baked, but I will attempt to share.

I am realizing that my faith, maybe it is more appropriate to say that my religion, is reaching its final days. I am not willing to let go of so much, but everything in me is ready to say goodbye and pull the plug. I am so tired of trying to make myself and my deepest rawest parts fit into a place where they just won't go.

When I moved to Austin, I thought that this is my last big push to reconcile God and my faith, my spiritual life. If I don't find a place where there are people that love me as I am, embrace the way that God made each of us, then I am done and I don't really know what that means.

As Regina Spektor says, "but God can be funny". Since moving to Austin, I have moved in with two wonderful women who are in different and beautiful stages of their faith and are very open to asking questions, listening and struggling. I have met a new friend that has a beautiful understanding of his faith and sexuality and is very open to discussing it.

I still feel that there is death that is imminent, but I do not think it is a bad thing. In a conversation with my roommate, she asked if I was angry at God for being gay, for the way that the church has become exclusive and claimed the right to deny people that are different entrance into their community and worship circles. I answered immediately, "no, I am not angry at God, I am angry at people. I have been very hurt by people, ignorance and a lack of compassion."

There is death in the air, but it is the death of trying to fit where I don't. It is the death of my lies to myself and of the attempt to fit into the religion of my youth that bound me so long from truth, freedom and God.

I am moving forward with faith that fits better, more comfortably, more realistically. Words, especially at 10 am, don't come near explaining what I intend them to. but that is alright. All that I am trying to say is that there is birth and new life coming from the casting off of my old skin which no longer seems to do anything but weigh me down.

A community...

While there have been far too few posts in the last many months, it is not for lack of thought or movement in my life.

Since I have last posted I have:
moved to Austin
started developing new and wonderful friendships
realized so much:

One of the main reasons that I moved to Austin was that I wanted to be free to develop the community that I wanted to a part of. When I reflect on my friends, I see that they are a fair and wonderful representation of the many parts of my life. What I have realized is that this statement is lacking in one area: the gay part of my life. As much as I try to fill my desire for lgbt community through conversation with my many wonderful, heterosexual friends, something important and filling is missing and that is true community with lgbt members in my life.

I am excited at the prospect of what Austin holds for me. This next chapter of my life will be about exploring my life in the gay community while holding on to the other aspects and relationships that are so dear to me and who I am.

A quote from Rob Thomas of Matchbox Twenty:

"I've heard it said before, many times, that if two men or two women are allowed to join into a civil union together, why can't they be happy with that and why is it so important that they call it marriage? In essence, what's in a name?...A civil union has to do with death. It's essentially a document that gives you lower taxes and the right to let your faux spouse collect your insurance when you pass away. A marriage is about life. It's about a commitment. And this argument is about allowing people to have the right to make that commitment, even if it doesn't make sense to you. Anything else falls under the category of 'separate but equal' and we know how that works out."

The need to create:

I found this clip at one of my favorite websites for news in the GLBT community: Towleroad. 

Apparently, these two guys in New York were laid off from their jobs and in a need to be productive, active, useful, creative or whatever, they made this short film. What is so beautiful is they had the need to make something, anything, something. 

I relate to this so closely and easily that it hurts my heart a little to feel that I can't say that I have done this recently, I have not made something tangible, beautiful. Maybe I am not looking closely enough, maybe this fire in my belly is exactly what I need to create. 

Either way, this sweet little film is exactly what I hope is happening in cities and towns across the world: expression, beauty, love, romance.

Reevaluating expectations...

I have not written for over two months! It is not because there has been no movement in my life, my thoughts, my relationships, it is because I have been overwhelmed with the fullness of life, in the good and the bad, that I have not written.

The segment of thought that I desire to draw from tonight is attached to one of the larger nuggets of my life and my thoughts recently. I have spent a lot of time thinking about the promised land that is Austin, at least in my mind. There is a great expectation for something big, something real that can only be offered by the freedom of unchaining heavy weights and leaving them behind. 

About six weeks ago, I had the great fortune of traveling to Denver to visit a dear friend and celebrate life with her. While in the city I realized my deep love for Denver that has been a part of my life since we would visit when I was younger. On this visit, I was able to fall in love with Denver from an adult's perspective, to see it with new eyes. I met people that would no doubt be opportunities for a community. I felt an energy that is rare and electric, causing my heart to awaken and ask "what is this and can I have more?". 

Among many of the things pondered, discussed and shared that weekend, we talked about the climate of Denver. Not the physical climate with snow and rain and sunshine, but the climate of the people that make up the stores and streets and homes of the city that stands one mile off the level of the sea.  Colorado, although not that much farther ahead than Texas, has some GLBT laws that protect the gay citizens of that state (they are few, but still...). I am positive that Colorado will be ahead of Texas on legalizing same-sex unions. 

My thoughts started to wander to the possibility of finding a city outside of Texas to meet my needs for community and a new beginning. For a few weeks it felt absolutely, purely perfect to move to Denver. The people are without question friendly as can be. I call this perfect thinking phase the honeymoon phase and I find myself here often when I am introduced to a new idea.

I started thinking about all of these wonderful things that I will do as I continue growing older: skiing in the mountains, spending time in our family's cabin in the Rockies, hiking, Boulder and much more. I found myself rating Denver vs. Austin in terms of the rights that gay couples are allowed such as hospital visits and relationship recognition. I had it in my head that the next place that I move will be where I end up. On a side, I do not believe that Denver currently holds these above mentioned rights for glbt couples. The thought more applies to the idea of leaving Texas for somewhere more progressive.

This didn't strike me as odd or even unpractical until about a week or two ago. I had spent some time with a large amount of people that I care for from Austin and was thinking about how much I want to be near them. I thought that it was unfair that these people could not be in Denver and that it was a shame that Denver could not share a lot of the attributes that I love about Austin. It started becoming clear to me that Austin is where I want to be right now.

Though there may be some issues with laws and homosexuality and strong bigotry, Texas is where I want to be for now. The need to make a decision of where I am going to be for the next 30 years is unnecessary right now. I don't need to worry about my hospital visitation rights of my partner until I actually have a partner. These things are still wildly important and I will continue to fight for them here, where I am, but they should not be deciding factors in my move here at the age of 27!

Denver may very well be my endgame, or at least my next move, but for now, Austin is where my heart is and it is where my family (or at least those that truly seem like my family) is.

A Little Kindness...

I have been thinking a lot recently, well, about everything. So much goes through my head in the course of an hour in a coffeeshop, or driving, or in bed. 

Today, while sitting in a coffeeshop, I started getting really annoyed with the lady that was conducting a very loud and fast conversation on the phone in Spanish. I gave the usual passive aggressive looks and such, but when I looked straight at her, my heart melted a little bit. She looked very much like a customer of mine at the Apple Store. A woman that I have had many conversations with...

When I first met Diana, I immediately felt drawn to her. She had very thick glasses that made her eyes look comically large, a turtleneck sweater, and two kids hanging off of her. She looks around 40 and has thick, nondescript black hair. I approached her to ask if she was looking for anything specific in the store. She replied with a thick, lispy Spanish accent "No I am just looking." 

You know the kind of people that just attach to your heart for no reason? It is not because of pity, or feeling sorry for them, you just feel instantly compassionate toward them. This was Diana.

Over the next few months, I would see her in the store and she would wave from across the room. We would talk about her husband's business, her computer and other things, nothing exciting. To be honest, I would kind of get bored after a few minutes, but I still enjoyed her company if that makes any sense. 

A few days after Thanksgiving, I was working a long shift at the Apple Store, and a few hours into my day, I saw Diana. She waved at me from the door and came right over to where I was. In one arm was a plastic grocery bag, and on the other was one of her children. She approached me saying "I have something for you!" This threw me off a little bit, we had not created much depth in our simple conversations and this seemed out of character for our employee/customer relationship. She pulled out a square of tinfoil and a generic brand soda can. "I made you a sandwich from my Thanksgiving leftovers. It has some spices and a homemade sauce." My heart felt like it had blown up like a balloon and then melted right there. I was so touched by her gesture of kindness. She looked at me through her magnifying glasses, holding out the sandwich and soda, wanting nothing but to give.

I felt overwhelmed, cared for by a complete stranger. Wonderful. I thanked her but knew that I did not have the words to share that I understood the grandness of this gesture, that it really meant something to me. Needless to say I ate that sandwich for lunch, it was delightful, perfect. 

I have not thought about Diana, or that situation, until today when I saw the obnoxious woman on the phone in the coffee shop. 

I now find myself thankful for the reminder.

I digress...

I have gone quite a while without blogging here. The main reason is that I have had a lot on my mind, but it feels so bundled and messy that I can't even sort it into thoughts right now. I feel that things have been so breakable recently that I carefully take it one day at a time while letting the big issues sit untouched. For now, I think it is fine. It feels like I am in survival mode, which I am.

I hope to return shortly with more thought.