but...

Whenever I write a blog post or reread something that seems very personal, I look at it and think about my audience.

Is this going to portray the wrong message?

Will people think that I am too pig-headed?

Am I not open to the thoughts and mindsets of others?

All of these things I worry about because I have made my blog public and I have shared my identity. I have had a few of these comments made to me over the past few months. What I remind myself, and my readers, is that this is my space to share and think. I need to release this part of myself out of my head and onto the page or screen as the case may be. These thoughts have had 14 years to brew, and now they are finding their way into a form of healthy processing.

Sensitive Material

I am realizing how raw I am at this stage of my life. I feel that my faith and my heart have been freshly peeled of their outer layer of skin and they are pink and exposed. There is a tenderness that is exposed to too many people and it feels uncomfortable at the best of times. 

I find myself cringing a lot these days, mainly because whenever I get near the topic of homosexuality with people, especially other Christians, I am afraid of what they will say that I will have to process through later. I often find myself thinking "please don't hurt me" when gay marriage or homosexuality and the church are mentioned in a conversation. It just seems that there is so much for me to process through these days, and it takes me a long time to work through things in a healthy way, that filtering through truths and lies of simple conversation with acquaintances is exhausting and far too overwhelming.

There will be more posted shortly. I am currently trying to rest my body so that I don't have to add sleepless mood swings to the list of things I am dealing with.

Different is hard to stomach...

I have been having the same inner battle for many years now. It is the struggle to desire to know people, be in communication with people and even have friendships with people that do not approve of my being gay. I know that it is only a part of me and not all of me, but it is such an important part of me and it is a part that is filled with so much hurt, emotion and frustration that I don't know if I can separate myself from those connections.

If a person and I disagree on a book, a movie, music or a TV show, that is fine, I can move on and treat them exactly the same. If there are different things that we like to do, it is easy to find things in common still, I can easily bridge those gaps of difference as I am sure that most people can. I could keep listing things that I can do, but this one feels too powerful. 

It is hard enough for me to talk calmly and reasonably with someone that believes that homosexuality is a sin. I feel like I am about to be attacked, I feel disapproved of and hurt. Every pain that I have had attached to this issue always floods back in full and creates a fear in me that is overwhelming.

While telling friends about voting no on Proposition 8, a person that I know emailed me and told me that she wanted to debate over the issue. I wrote her and told her what I thought and I read her blog posts about her thoughts. She called homosexuality (not the people, but the act of same-sex love and relationships) an abomination and repulsive. There are pages of this kind of language.

It all comes back to the fact that I believe it is impossible for me to feel loved as "the sinner" while my "sin" is being hated. I feel like a broken record, and I also feel quite intolerant because I can not open my mind to this different perspective and accept it. Maybe that is a place for me to grow to or maybe it is something that is a defense mechanism that I need to pay attention to.

These are ramblings that I will later regret publishing, but I believe the ability to share it takes away the marinating power of a secret never told.

Time is near...time is here...

Proposition 8 is an initiative measure on the 2008 California General Election ballot titled Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. If passed, the proposition would "change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California." A new section would be added stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

The vote is approaching and many of us do not live in California. I have recently wondered,
What can I do to protect those that have already participated in a same-sex marriage?
What about the others who have not had a chance to get married yet?
What does this mean for the rest of the country if California changes this?
What does this mean for the chance of Texas ever getting to this point?
What does this mean for glbt people who hope for equality in love?

One thing I can do, one thing you can do, is donate to the "no on proposition 8" campaign.

Another thing that we as a collective group can do is make others aware. Share your thoughts with your neighbors, co-workers and friends. Listen and have conversation, share stories, experiences. Awareness of this spreads throughout the country and not only benefits those in California, but those in all communities and states.

We can pray. We can pray that God softens hearts, opens eyes, and reveals the connection of humanity, love and Christ.


The more openly we live our lives, the more humane and fairly we will be seen and treated. We are equal and it is time that we start living that way.

Where have all the cowboys gone?...

The title of this entry is so cheesy that it reminds me of something that Carrie Bradshaw would say in a voiceover on Sex and the City, not to mention the obvious reference to Paula Cole.

Anyway...

My 27th birthday is coming up, which means that I am in a time of reflection and evaluation over where I am in life right now. I decided to surround myself with good people and a city that I love in this time, so, obviously, I came up to Austin. I am spending the weekend seeing friends and eating great food.

One of the events that I was looking forward to the most was going dancing, possibly at one of my first gay clubs, at least one of my first gay clubs as an openly gay man. My straight friend and another friend's fun sister that lives in Austin decided to go and try the scene. When we arrived, it was the typical, expected atmosphere, one which my friend would later describe as a mix between a dance club and a strip club. Waiters in underwear, dancers on stage etc... honestly it was kind of awkward. When we decided to actually start dancing, I found that atmosphere was not what I was used to for a fun night.

Now, let me interject here by saying that dancing is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Honestly, I feel closest to God when I am dancing. I am not talking about grind up on people dancing, but free, goofy dancing, the kind you do in your bathroom mirror, or when no one is looking.

So when we started dancing at the club, there was no room to move and I felt like I was being judged so intensely for every move that I was making. Some of this pressure was clearly coming from myself and my self-consciousness. I was intimidated and wanted to make a good impression. I was around gay men, some of which were attractive, of course there was pressure. The whole thing felt very dark to me though, it felt very meat market-ish. This is not a place that I would want to meet someone, to start any kind of friendship or relationship. It seemed pointless.

A mix of alcohol and pressure definitely made me reflective and I went on a bit of a downward spiral:
"Why is no one coming up to me?"
"Why haven't I ever been in a relationship?"
"Are people going to laugh at me when they realize that I have never been in a relationship?
"Why didn't I start doing this when I was much younger? Then at least I would have experience by now."

These thoughts went on and on and I became really down on myself.

This morning I woke up and realized that what I experienced and saw last night is not what I want to be. I am not a guy that is comfortable with hook-ups. Down to my core I am relational, I crave to care for people and to be cared for, deeply. This is not something that can be filled in a club or with a quick sexual encounter, and while some people find the value of these things, it is not for me, it is not a part of who I want to be.

I have believed what people, television, my own thoughts were telling me for so long and I did not even see it. I have thought that there is something shameful in not having sexual experience at my age, that there is something wrong with me. When I reversed the situation in my head and asked myself if I would laugh at another guy for not having been in a relationship, I know that I would not. I would admire it on a level, and I know that there are people out there that will see me the same way.

I do find it hard though, because my question is: "where are all of these so called 'non-gay culture' guys?" Where do you meet them, how do you find these communities? There have to be people out there that are looking for the things that I am. I guess that it is just a matter of time, patience and trust.