Milk and my thoughts...

I had an incredible experience at the movie theater today. I met a woman, who I hope will soon become a good friend, a few weeks ago, we actually met in the parking lot of a no on prop. 8 rally in Houston. We have been talking for a while and decided to see the movie Milk together.

Milk is a story about Harvey Milk, the first openly gay politician in the United States. He was a pioneer for civil rights and a man with a heart for those that were different and forgotten about by society. Milk is currently playing in a few theaters across the country, and I hope that it will soon be playing everywhere.

Sean Penn is amazing as Harvey Milk, as is James Franco, Josh Brolin and Diego Luna. From the first few minutes, I was immediately drawn into the 1970's in San Francisco. I cared for the characters and I related to their desire for something big to happen, and for their need to be a part of it.

It is easy to see the similarities between the situations and fight for civil rights and glbt rights at the time this took place, and the Proposition 8 debacle in California this year. I found my self realizing how amazingly appropriate this movie is right now, and I am amazed at its timing (considering it was in production far before Proposition 8 was an issue).

Throughout the film, I found myself wondering how the rest of the country is going to take this movie. Are straight people going to like it? Are people that are not GLBT allies or supporters going to like it, will they even see it? Is this movie preaching to the choir? I sure as hell hope not. It reaches far beyond appealing to just gays because of the subject matter, this is a movie about a man that defied those that said he couldn't, over and over and over. This is a story about love, loving others and believing so firmly in something that you would give anything and everything for it. I think we can all relate to that.

This is the kind of movie that I will see again, because it has heart, and passion and tragedy, but mainly because I want to continue to be told that I can make a difference. I need to be told that I can make a difference in order to have the strength to go and be unbelievable in this world.

Well said...

Keith Olbermann made a comment about the passing of Proposition 8 the other night. His thoughts are beautifully reverent, angry and respectful to equality. I feel that this man understands why I am so angry, sad and hurt. Yet there is hope in his position, there is love for all of us in the words he says. I can happily stand behind this:

"Finally tonight as promised, a Special Comment on the passage, last week, of Proposition Eight in California, which rescinded the right of same-sex couples to marry, and tilted the balance on this issue, from coast to coast.

Some parameters, as preface. This isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics, and this isn't really just about Prop-8. And I don't have a personal investment in this: I'm not gay, I had to strain to think of one member of even my very extended family who is, I have no personal stories of close friends or colleagues fighting the prejudice that still pervades their lives.

And yet to me this vote is horrible. Horrible. Because this isn't about yelling, and this isn't about politics. This is about the human heart, and if that sounds corny, so be it.

If you voted for this Proposition or support those who did or the sentiment they expressed, I have some questions, because, truly, I do not understand. Why does this matter to you? What is it to you? In a time of impermanence and fly-by-night relationships, these people over here want the same chance at permanence and happiness that is your option. They don't want to deny you yours. They don't want to take anything away from you. They want what you want—a chance to be a little less alone in the world.

Only now you are saying to them—no. You can't have it on these terms. Maybe something similar. If they behave. If they don't cause too much trouble. You'll even give them all the same legal rights—even as you're taking away the legal right, which they already had. A world around them, still anchored in love and marriage, and you are saying, no, you can't marry. What if somebody passed a law that said you couldn't marry?

I keep hearing this term "re-defining" marriage. If this country hadn't re-defined marriage, black people still couldn't marry white people. Sixteen states had laws on the books which made that illegal in 1967. 1967.

The parents of the President-Elect of the United States couldn't have married in nearly one third of the states of the country their son grew up to lead. But it's worse than that. If this country had not "re-defined" marriage, some black people still couldn't marry black people. It is one of the most overlooked and cruelest parts of our sad story of slavery. Marriages were not legally recognized, if the people were slaves. Since slaves were property, they could not legally be husband and wife, or mother and child. Their marriage vows were different: not "Until Death, Do You Part," but "Until Death or Distance, Do You Part." Marriages among slaves were not legally recognized.

You know, just like marriages today in California are not legally recognized, if the people are gay.

And uncountable in our history are the number of men and women, forced by society into marrying the opposite sex, in sham marriages, or marriages of convenience, or just marriages of not knowing, centuries of men and women who have lived their lives in shame and unhappiness, and who have, through a lie to themselves or others, broken countless other lives, of spouses and children, all because we said a man couldn't marry another man, or a woman couldn't marry another woman. The sanctity of marriage.

How many marriages like that have there been and how on earth do they increase the "sanctity" of marriage rather than render the term, meaningless?

What is this, to you? Nobody is asking you to embrace their expression of love. But don't you, as human beings, have to embrace... that love? The world is barren enough.

It is stacked against love, and against hope, and against those very few and precious emotions that enable us to go forward. Your marriage only stands a 50-50 chance of lasting, no matter how much you feel and how hard you work.

And here are people overjoyed at the prospect of just that chance, and that work, just for the hope of having that feeling. With so much hate in the world, with so much meaningless division, and people pitted against people for no good reason, this is what your religion tells you to do? With your experience of life and this world and all its sadnesses, this is what your conscience tells you to do?

With your knowledge that life, with endless vigor, seems to tilt the playing field on which we all live, in favor of unhappiness and hate... this is what your heart tells you to do? You want to sanctify marriage? You want to honor your God and the universal love you believe he represents? Then Spread happiness—this tiny, symbolic, semantical grain of happiness—share it with all those who seek it. Quote me anything from your religious leader or book of choice telling you to stand against this. And then tell me how you can believe both that statement and another statement, another one which reads only "do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

You are asked now, by your country, and perhaps by your creator, to stand on one side or another. You are asked now to stand, not on a question of politics, not on a question of religion, not on a question of gay or straight. You are asked now to stand, on a question of love. All you need do is stand, and let the tiny ember of love meet its own fate.

You don't have to help it, you don't have it applaud it, you don't have to fight for it. Just don't put it out. Just don't extinguish it. Because while it may at first look like that love is between two people you don't know and you don't understand and maybe you don't even want to know. It is, in fact, the ember of your love, for your fellow person just because this is the only world we have. And the other guy counts, too.

This is the second time in ten days I find myself concluding by turning to, of all things, the closing plea for mercy by Clarence Darrow in a murder trial.

But what he said, fits what is really at the heart of this:

"I was reading last night of the aspiration of the old Persian poet, Omar-Khayyam," he told the judge. It appealed to me as the highest that I can vision. I wish it was in my heart, and I wish it was in the hearts of all: So I be written in the Book of Love; I do not care about that Book above. Erase my name, or write it as you will, So I be written in the Book of Love.' "

A sense of humor goes a long way...

Most of you are familiar with Westboro Baptist Church, a church compiled mainly of one family that protests funerals of soldiers and openly hates on gays and the nation because we are not "living in the eyes of God." 

It is pretty outrageous and does not really deserve publicity, and I don't want to promote any towards them, but I came across this amazing picture at a Westboro Baptist Rally and could not help but share it with you! 

but...

Whenever I write a blog post or reread something that seems very personal, I look at it and think about my audience.

Is this going to portray the wrong message?

Will people think that I am too pig-headed?

Am I not open to the thoughts and mindsets of others?

All of these things I worry about because I have made my blog public and I have shared my identity. I have had a few of these comments made to me over the past few months. What I remind myself, and my readers, is that this is my space to share and think. I need to release this part of myself out of my head and onto the page or screen as the case may be. These thoughts have had 14 years to brew, and now they are finding their way into a form of healthy processing.

Sensitive Material

I am realizing how raw I am at this stage of my life. I feel that my faith and my heart have been freshly peeled of their outer layer of skin and they are pink and exposed. There is a tenderness that is exposed to too many people and it feels uncomfortable at the best of times. 

I find myself cringing a lot these days, mainly because whenever I get near the topic of homosexuality with people, especially other Christians, I am afraid of what they will say that I will have to process through later. I often find myself thinking "please don't hurt me" when gay marriage or homosexuality and the church are mentioned in a conversation. It just seems that there is so much for me to process through these days, and it takes me a long time to work through things in a healthy way, that filtering through truths and lies of simple conversation with acquaintances is exhausting and far too overwhelming.

There will be more posted shortly. I am currently trying to rest my body so that I don't have to add sleepless mood swings to the list of things I am dealing with.

Different is hard to stomach...

I have been having the same inner battle for many years now. It is the struggle to desire to know people, be in communication with people and even have friendships with people that do not approve of my being gay. I know that it is only a part of me and not all of me, but it is such an important part of me and it is a part that is filled with so much hurt, emotion and frustration that I don't know if I can separate myself from those connections.

If a person and I disagree on a book, a movie, music or a TV show, that is fine, I can move on and treat them exactly the same. If there are different things that we like to do, it is easy to find things in common still, I can easily bridge those gaps of difference as I am sure that most people can. I could keep listing things that I can do, but this one feels too powerful. 

It is hard enough for me to talk calmly and reasonably with someone that believes that homosexuality is a sin. I feel like I am about to be attacked, I feel disapproved of and hurt. Every pain that I have had attached to this issue always floods back in full and creates a fear in me that is overwhelming.

While telling friends about voting no on Proposition 8, a person that I know emailed me and told me that she wanted to debate over the issue. I wrote her and told her what I thought and I read her blog posts about her thoughts. She called homosexuality (not the people, but the act of same-sex love and relationships) an abomination and repulsive. There are pages of this kind of language.

It all comes back to the fact that I believe it is impossible for me to feel loved as "the sinner" while my "sin" is being hated. I feel like a broken record, and I also feel quite intolerant because I can not open my mind to this different perspective and accept it. Maybe that is a place for me to grow to or maybe it is something that is a defense mechanism that I need to pay attention to.

These are ramblings that I will later regret publishing, but I believe the ability to share it takes away the marinating power of a secret never told.

Time is near...time is here...

Proposition 8 is an initiative measure on the 2008 California General Election ballot titled Eliminates Right of Same-Sex Couples to Marry. If passed, the proposition would "change the California Constitution to eliminate the right of same-sex couples to marry in California." A new section would be added stating "only marriage between a man and a woman is valid or recognized in California."

The vote is approaching and many of us do not live in California. I have recently wondered,
What can I do to protect those that have already participated in a same-sex marriage?
What about the others who have not had a chance to get married yet?
What does this mean for the rest of the country if California changes this?
What does this mean for the chance of Texas ever getting to this point?
What does this mean for glbt people who hope for equality in love?

One thing I can do, one thing you can do, is donate to the "no on proposition 8" campaign.

Another thing that we as a collective group can do is make others aware. Share your thoughts with your neighbors, co-workers and friends. Listen and have conversation, share stories, experiences. Awareness of this spreads throughout the country and not only benefits those in California, but those in all communities and states.

We can pray. We can pray that God softens hearts, opens eyes, and reveals the connection of humanity, love and Christ.


The more openly we live our lives, the more humane and fairly we will be seen and treated. We are equal and it is time that we start living that way.

Where have all the cowboys gone?...

The title of this entry is so cheesy that it reminds me of something that Carrie Bradshaw would say in a voiceover on Sex and the City, not to mention the obvious reference to Paula Cole.

Anyway...

My 27th birthday is coming up, which means that I am in a time of reflection and evaluation over where I am in life right now. I decided to surround myself with good people and a city that I love in this time, so, obviously, I came up to Austin. I am spending the weekend seeing friends and eating great food.

One of the events that I was looking forward to the most was going dancing, possibly at one of my first gay clubs, at least one of my first gay clubs as an openly gay man. My straight friend and another friend's fun sister that lives in Austin decided to go and try the scene. When we arrived, it was the typical, expected atmosphere, one which my friend would later describe as a mix between a dance club and a strip club. Waiters in underwear, dancers on stage etc... honestly it was kind of awkward. When we decided to actually start dancing, I found that atmosphere was not what I was used to for a fun night.

Now, let me interject here by saying that dancing is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Honestly, I feel closest to God when I am dancing. I am not talking about grind up on people dancing, but free, goofy dancing, the kind you do in your bathroom mirror, or when no one is looking.

So when we started dancing at the club, there was no room to move and I felt like I was being judged so intensely for every move that I was making. Some of this pressure was clearly coming from myself and my self-consciousness. I was intimidated and wanted to make a good impression. I was around gay men, some of which were attractive, of course there was pressure. The whole thing felt very dark to me though, it felt very meat market-ish. This is not a place that I would want to meet someone, to start any kind of friendship or relationship. It seemed pointless.

A mix of alcohol and pressure definitely made me reflective and I went on a bit of a downward spiral:
"Why is no one coming up to me?"
"Why haven't I ever been in a relationship?"
"Are people going to laugh at me when they realize that I have never been in a relationship?
"Why didn't I start doing this when I was much younger? Then at least I would have experience by now."

These thoughts went on and on and I became really down on myself.

This morning I woke up and realized that what I experienced and saw last night is not what I want to be. I am not a guy that is comfortable with hook-ups. Down to my core I am relational, I crave to care for people and to be cared for, deeply. This is not something that can be filled in a club or with a quick sexual encounter, and while some people find the value of these things, it is not for me, it is not a part of who I want to be.

I have believed what people, television, my own thoughts were telling me for so long and I did not even see it. I have thought that there is something shameful in not having sexual experience at my age, that there is something wrong with me. When I reversed the situation in my head and asked myself if I would laugh at another guy for not having been in a relationship, I know that I would not. I would admire it on a level, and I know that there are people out there that will see me the same way.

I do find it hard though, because my question is: "where are all of these so called 'non-gay culture' guys?" Where do you meet them, how do you find these communities? There have to be people out there that are looking for the things that I am. I guess that it is just a matter of time, patience and trust.

The Gay Marriage Thing

I would love to share The Gay Marriage Thing with you all.

This is a movie that follows two women in Massachusetts as they work towards getting their marriage license. The movie looks superb, the thoughtfulness and heart behind it looks genuine, and it seems to be just what we need to start conversation in the relationships that we as a GLBT community hold dear to us. 

This is a film that will bring solidarity to those of us that call ourselves GLBT, as well as creating discussion among those who have questions or wonder about these issues.

To what limits?

I am trying hard to find the line between processing and becoming the things that are a part of my life.

Right now I am finding myself on the rough end of a struggle. This is the struggle between reconciling the hurt that I have due to other people and mistakes that have been made, and trying to move on. This challenge also encompasses many other things like seeing who I would like to be, and also seeing what I am not. I look at the place I find myself in, and I am not happy, but I also find myself so drained that it is hard to move out of here. 

There is a balance between waiting and moving that I am working on. 

Right now, I can honestly say that I am acting on fear at times, I am aware of it and I am fighting it, but it is hard.

I am up against some monsters...

As I may have shared, the week that I came out to my parents, they ordered books from ex-gay ministries and met with a man from the same ministry. 

We have kind of found our way into a routine of normal life since then. We do not talk often about my coming out or what that means for us as a family. I still harbor a lot of anger against them for not wanting to accept this part of me. The other day I noticed that they both have the books from the ex-gay ministry on their night stands. I picked up the book titled "Someone I love is gay" and began to read what they are putting into their minds right now.

Here is an excerpt from a random page I turned to:

"It's not uncommon for your child's friends to have some church attendance in their background, as Darren's mother discovered one Saturday afternoon. Darren's homosexual partner, Mark, stayed in the car (as usual) while Darren went into his parent's house to get some winter clothes stored in the attic. Soon Darren came back out, announcing, 'Mark, my mother wants you to come inside.'

As Mark walked in the front door, he heard the tune of a familiar song. Darren's mother was playing an old hymn on the piano, and soon Mark found himself humming along. In the following months, Mark visited many times, even joining some hymn sings around the piano with Darren's family. In time, Mark renewed his commitment to Christ and left homosexuality.

'I always resented Mark,' Darren's mother confessed later. 'But that day I saw him sitting out in the car and felt the Lord prompting me to invite him into the house.' She had no idea of the profound impact that her kindness would have on the future course of Mark's life."

another excerpt from this book reads:

"I didn't like the way Rick related to my son...On the other hand, I felt relieved in some ways. Tony seemed more content. He was no longer 'out on the prowl' in homosexual bars or dangerous gay areas of nearby cities. With a steady partner, his risk of AIDS infection seemed lower."

When I looked at the publication date of this book it was 1996! 1996, I was 15 at the time of this. So much has happened since then. Gay rights, images and views as a societal group have changed so significantly since then. It is like reading a book about women's rights in the '50s or the role of African Americans in the '60s. I am so scared for what my parents are putting into their heads during this incredibly formative and important time in our relationship.

We are going to sit and talk this weekend...

same old spots, new light

On paper, it looks like I am in the same place I have been. Mentally it feels similar. But I get to watch it through other people's eyes, friend's eyes and I see that much has happened. I must be cautious, very cautious to find the line between exploring this part of my life, being fascinated with growing in this part of who I am, and losing myself in this part of life.

I can't...

I have been talking with several close friends and other trusted people about what to expect from loved ones when I came out. The general consensus is that I should not expect them to change their views or accept the fact that I am gay.

The most confusing thing that I have been trying to wrap my head around is that I have been told that they can still love me fully and love me for who I am without approving of my homosexuality. Both my counselor and many loved ones have been telling me this and every time, I have fought my common sense, and tried to figure out how I can be okay with my parents never being okay.

Very recently, I had a conversation with my mom about the fact that she claims that she will never be alright with me being in a relationship and that she prays constantly for my trust in God to fulfill my relational desire. The conversation went on to contain more personal things that do not need to be shared.

While this is not new information, it has hit me harder than it has ever before. I am saddened by the fact that my parents have no desire to try to grow into where I am, and while it may be hard to accept, I can not take no for an answer. I can not accept that they might never embrace the man that I will love as family and that they claim a right to be unloving to him because they refuse to grow or question what they know for the sake of their own son. 

Clearly, I am angry and sad and heart-broken, but, I realize that I can not accept this, and that is good. I can not tolerate them tolerating a part of who I am. Granted that being gay is not a decision, but being in a relationship is, their comfort in being stagnant and growing stronger in their convictions without trying to see the other sides makes me want to mourn for all of the things that may never be. 

I still hold hope now, even though all of my experience tells me to cut my loses and move on...I can't. My family will always be able to wedge hope into me and I pray that I can show my heart into their ideas.

One Small Step Out...

Many thoughts and feelings have led me to where I am right now.

One being a coffee shop in Montrose in Houston

The other being ready to start being more open about myself as a gay man amongst other things.

It all started with an incredible urge to do a spring cleaning this morning when I woke up. I began with cleaning out my Facebook account. I cleared out over 200 of the people that were listed as "friends" that I had not talked to in over a year. I am down to a measly 375 friends now! :) Anyway, I then worked up to cleaning my bathroom, bedroom and car. There was a strong desire inside of me to move and fix things up.

While cleaning up my Facebook world and going through my list of "friends," I kept asking myself, "is this someone that I want to know that I am gay when I eventually decide to share that? Is this someone that I want to include in that information?" That is where the elimination of 200 people began.

It also stirred a deep need in me to not need to regulate who I tell anymore. While this is a process, I am excited to start getting there...which is a reason that I linked this no longer as-anonymous blog with my Facebook page!!!

As found here

Not enough water...

There was a thought planted in my head a few years ago. It came from a publication called If I Told You, which is written at Gordon College in Boston. In the words of the publication: "If I told you contains reflections by lesbian, gay, bisexual and questioning Gordonites. The ultimate goal is to cultivate genuine, authentic, and loving community at Gordon College." Now, keep in mind that Gordon College is a very conservative school in many senses of the word and this group was definitely roughing up some collars, but my goodness is this a great work of guts!

The idea that stuck with me for all this time was written by an acquaintance that I knew from that school. If you go to issue 1 of If I told You and read Chapter 8, you will see what affected me. It was the idea that creativity has been suppressed because of people telling us to be one way when we know deep down that we are another. We love one thing yet force ourselves to try to like the other thing. Because of this, the writer said that his inborn creativity died a little. The hope of the story comes from his coming to terms with himself and telling those around him that he is gay. He has found new light in his art, his life. I began to wonder what has been suppressed inside of me...

Tonight I was flipping through channels on television and came across a documentary on Emile Norman, a man that I had never heard of. He was an artist that came into his own in the '40s and '50s. He told the story of his long-term romance with his boyfriend, how his parents reacted to him as a gay man, but mainly about how he made a place for himself on this planet by creating his own way and loving everything that life gave him. He is an unbelievable artist that created new forms of art that had never been made before. He also created art and an understanding of the humanity of gay couples in places that you would never expect (the Masonic Temple in San Francisco).

All of this came to a head when one of Emile's great friends and men that he mentored said the following quote:

"Emile is like the father that I got to choose. He supported and encouraged all of the grandiose fantasies that you only imagined as a child. He gave the support you always dreamt you should have and was the kind of man that if you asked yourself 'if I could choose my own family, who would it be?' you would choose."

This hit me deeply today, it brought up those parts of me that have been stewing for years now. Wondering what did I miss, what could I be right now if I had been given few to no limits. Could I be great? Would I know I was great? What am I contributing right now? 

Though I am still young, I feel that I have limited my goals and abilities to fit into the things that will not be noticed. I have conformed into someone that is here and can be uncovered after much time to be sweet and thoughtful, but there is no splash. There is not art that changes the world, my heart is not pouring into something being created, I feel like I am withered and I know that the only hope is refreshment. What is refreshing? I can not take back those experiences or years, but I can reclaim my path and what is in front of me. I do not know how to be true to the person that I feel I have been created to be, but I know that the first step has something to do with finding God and myself together, alone for a while, whispering and figuring it out, then, slowly, yelling, shouting, dancing and splashing. There will be thunder and noise and we will make imprints, loud, bold and big...

The post below...

is a quick summary of all of the thoughts that have been running through my head, the insecurities, anger and questions. I guess that if I write them down, I might be able to look back in a year or two and see where I have come from here. At the same time, I find myself in the same place every time it seems, just in different corners.

The trouble is...

Will I ever heal from my anger at the church and Christians?

Is my hurt going to be the cause of my loss of who I am, of my faith?

Will these parts of me ever be reconciled?

Can I look at the word conservative without thinking it should be a four letter word?

Will I ever understand where I fit into the Christian Community as a whole?

I knew before you knew...

The weekend after I came out to my parents, I was at work and one of my close friends and his sister decided to visit me. We had a little time to chat and they started telling me about a discussion that their family had that weekend over dinner. I was a little unsettled to find out the conversation was about me and how my family was going to take the news, but relaxed when I found out how supportive and loving they were about the whole topic.

At one point, my friend's sister, said something along the lines of: "oh, I knew you were gay before you knew. I could have saved you a lot of trouble."

Statements like this are loaded with things that I have opinions about. First of all, I am a strong advocate for not judging someone based on their behaviors. Just because someone's behavior matches a stereotype, does not mean that they are a member of the group your stereotype is tied to. This kind of attitude can be equally damaging and confusing for people that are straight and are classified as gay, based on the way they act. I was also taken aback by this statement because it seems to be a way for the person reacting to show wisdom, good intuition and that they were never fooled by you during your vulnerable confused time.

I find that my friends that were totally shocked when I told them, have mostly changed their stories to "we always knew," because somehow, there is shame in not being able to identify a gay person right away!

My response to my friend's sister was "how could you have known, I didn't even know!" I wish that I would have kindly added something about the hurtfulness of judgement, even if it is correct. If it is just for the sake of being correct, then it feels prideful and there is no attempt in strengthening a relationship in it, just the joy of being correct.

All of this is mainly to say that it is important to be a voice of knowledge and change for the things that you have experienced, the things that you want to see and the things that you want to put an end to. I often go back and forth on whether or not I am too sensitive or am overreacting to people's comments when they affect me in these ways. For now, no, I am not. I feel that in order for someone to realize that what they have said is hurtful, or implies some sort of ignorance or negative connotation, they must be aware of that fact. It is your job, my job, to be a voice (often a gentle, patient voice) for gay equality in the biggest and smallest ways!

On love...

Ok, this is going to be a post that is beyond sappy and that I will highly regret the moment that I hit publish, but nonetheless it is something that I feel I want to share and put into words:

I want love so badly, not just to be loved, not just television love, but the love that is scary and unpredictable, the kind that exceeds moods and situations. I want to love and be loved by someone so much. Often I feel that this may be impossible because of this in between life that I lead. I am growing more confident in who I am, but I still have this tiny nagging that pops up from time to time. It is a gut dropping question that was planted in me long ago and somehow incorporated heavily into the things that I know of God.

As a gay man it is shameful to share that there is doubt about my sexuality, even the smallest amount every other month, for only about a split second and only when the humidity is above 60% and the sky is covered with gray clouds, not big white puffy ones (please note that I am not confused about my attraction to the same sex, I am doubtful about what to do with it). Okay, maybe the doubt is not that infrequent, but it is still something that I am ashamed of, and then, of all things, I am ashamed that I am ashamed and feel that I will never be confident enough to love and fully allow myself to love. I fear being alone and unloved, but sometimes, even more, I fear being in love and doubting things because of issues I have not worked through. Can I work through these? God knows I am trying, have tried for the last 14 years.

I am writing this because it needs to come out (pun intended), as most things do. I need to read these words and know that God is doing something in me and in my life.

While this post was spurred by the viewing of the "Brothers and Sisters" finale (don't judge, and yet, may I say, MAGNIFICENT!) this desire to have a man that loves me and is deeply loved by me is something that I have wanted for so long, something that I have written about many times over in letters that will never be sent and questions that I hope will be answered. The last thing I want is to be someone dependent on finding love, or at least that is not what I want to live for, and I know that I stand for, live for and believe in so much more than a person to complete the picture for me. I know that the last many years have been spent to figure out who I am and what it means to stand with God. In that I have found the necessity of community and people to support, show love and stand with me and I with them. This is what I want in a spouse, a lover. 

I am posting this without rereading it because I am afraid that I would not post it otherwise, so I apologize for any typos.

And then we spoke...

God and I have our hitches, our bumps and our uncertainties, at least I do, the two of us haven't really sat down to just discuss these things. What I need to say is that I still need to know this God that I have looked for my whole life. What is great is I do, but I want more. 

This journey in faith and discovery has been so slow and tested because of my desire to know God along the way. 

• I waited to come out to my parents until it was more about family than it was about me
• I have not had a relationship until there could be honesty and an understanding about myself and a reconciliation of my faith with this part of who I am
• I have pushed the edges of who I am to see where God is in it all, only to find God was resting in the places I started as well as finished
• The most important responses to my coming out are not the supportive ones, but the ones that ring with care and sincerity, whether they are challenging, upsetting or positive

In all of this I find a quiet strength that God has been bringing me here, through a lot of different tunnels, but nonetheless, here.

Held up...

For the last 8 months I have been living at home with my family and it has been quite fine. Of course there have been bumps here and there, but it is all for the goal of moving out and landing on my feet. 

Well...

It seems that things may be postponed a bit, or at least that is what it feels like at this point. My teaching certification is not working out as expected and is looking to postpone me at least four more months if I stay on the route that I am on. When I found this out this morning, I almost lost it. I realized that I have been waiting for my life to start when I move to another city. I have friends and love here, but I have been living it as an in between period. I have purposefully not pursued any sort of dating relationship because of the knowledge that I will move soon.

The idea that I will be living at home for another birthday, my 27th birthday actually, is unbearable to me. I can not do it. My coming out to my parents was a launching pad into a more liveable and open life. There is only so far one can launch themselves in the suburbs of yuppytown USA.

While a lot of this is frustration, a lot of it is a request for help through prayer and friendship. I trust that something big and unpredictable will appear out of this.

The energy has gone...

I have been very tired recently with work, class, family and life moving forward. I hardly have the energy to wake up some mornings, let alone form thoughts and words from the things going on in my life.

Someday soon, I would like to think that I will be able to share much more with you.

The In Between Time...

While talking with a friend the other day, I put words to some thoughts that I had not yet solidified. In the middle of our phone conversation she asked: "Can you believe that your parents know that you are gay?"

My first response was, yes I can, but it does not feel like the huge burden lifting joy that I kind of thought it would. It feels like one of those things that you say "has not yet sunk in" but really never does. It just kind of settles into your life as reality over time and there is not a large moment of shock or acceptance, it just kind of happens.

My family and I have a lot of groundbreaking exploration to partake in. We have not yet encountered how to react when a homosexual character is on a tv show we are watching together (whether that character is portrayed well, or stereotypically). We have not talked about whether or not to tell extended family that I am gay (only a matter of time), who I expect to be far more supportive upfront than my immediate family has been so far. 

Really this is just a matter of discovering what it looks like to join together and discuss the things that hinder us from connecting.

The day after...

The day after my last post, my parents wanted to sit down and "hear my story." I became very nervous, frustrated and overwhelmed. What was I going to say to summarize the last 14 years of my life with this experience? How would I convey to them my faith and how God has been a part of all of this?

I finally realized that it was not my job to show them the last 14 years, to give them the full experience. Most of the change that I want to see in them will have to be shown by me being genuine, honest, and most of all, taking action and demonstrating the things that I desire to be seen as.

There are about 100 blog posts that could tell you about all of the things that happened before and after that talk, and for the respect of my family and our relationship I will keep that between us, but please know that things became hopeful finally. I heard my parents say some of the very words that I seriously only dreamt that they would say. I felt that there has been a line of communication opened between us, small, but open.

We dig and we dig and we dig

It has only just begun, and I know that I will look back on where I am now and say "oh, if only I knew what I was in for," and I am glad right now that I do not. I feel displaced and unwelcome, frustrated and unheard. I feel that my family has already begun a path to "fix" me and have not yet let me in on their thoughts, nor have they asked questions.

Today I took my collection of homosexual books out of my closet (ironically) and put them on my shelf. They are no longer something to hide. The five books that I own on this topic are nothing to be ashamed of, nothing embarrassing, but instead, markers of what I have quietly been desperate to know and hear from people that I was too afraid to talk to.

The 5 books that I am now proud to showcase:

"The Church and the Homosexual" by John J. McNeill

"Taking a Chance on God" by John J. McNeill

"Out of the Past, Gay and Lesbian History from 1869 to Present" by Neil Miller

"Boys like us, Gay Writers tell their coming out stories" 

One Teacher in 10, LGBT Teachers share their experiences" 

I hid these books behind less interesting and controversial books in hopes that nobody would see them, much like I used to hide my cigarettes behind my book "How to Stay a Christian in College." But now, even in the midst of it all, I am happy to quietly put them on my bookshelf next to everything else that I am comfortable showcasing. 

While looking through these books again, I found a preface by John J.McNeill in his book "The Church and the Homosexual" that I remember connecting with so intensely during a time of great fear and hiding. It was about a year ago and I had received this book in the mail, afraid that it would not be hidden or properly packaged so that the place I was living would figure out what I had ordered. I opened the book and tried to take in all of it at once, wanting every bit at the same time. Here is what I found in the preface:

"At this point, the ignorance and distortion of homosexuality, the use of 'stereotypes and falsehoods' in an official Vatican document, leads us who are gay Catholics to issue the Vatican a serious warning. Your ignorance can no longer be excused as inculpable; it has become of necessity a deliberate and malicious ignorance. In the name of all Catholic gays and gays and lesbians everywhere, I cry out 'Enough!' Enough of your distortion of the Scripture that make homosexuals the scapegoats of every disaster! Jesus himself in Luke 10:10 recognized the sin of Sodom as inhospitality to the stranger, yet you support the interpretation of that sin as homosexual activity. Through the centuries you have supported sodomy laws that have sent thousands of gays to their deaths. You continue to claim that a loving homosexual act is condemned in Scripture, when competent scholars are nearly unanimous in admitting that nowhere in Scripture is there a clear condemnation of sexual acts between two gay men or lesbians who love each other.

"Enough! Enough of your effort to reduce all homosexual acts to expressions of lust, and of your refusal to see them as expressions of deep, genuine human love! Enough of your effort to lead young gays to internalize self-hatred with the result that they are able to relate to God only as a God of fear and hate, and lose all hope in a God of love! Enough of your recent efforts to foster hatred and discrimination against us in the human community! Enough of an ignorance for which there is no excuse. Enough of driving us from the home of our mother, the Church, and denying us the fullness of human life and sexual love. Enough of fostering discrimination against us, even violence and gay-bashing. We cried out to you for bread, you gave us a scorpion instead!"

-John J. McNeill-

I can't forget the time or place...

It happened, I told my parents that I am gay on Friday night. 

There is not a lot of energy to share much, but it did not go very well. I left feeling that I had possibly hurt them permanently and in an unrecoverable way. I do not regret what I said though, because I know the intention behind it, I know the thought and prayer and love that went into this and I hope so deeply that it will show through...soon!

I went out of town to be with friends and will be coming home today, I pray for hope. I pray for God's hand to be in mine as we walk through that door together.

Here we come...

I am really trying to appreciate this time the best that I can. I know that I will remember these days and this experience always, and I just want to enjoy the chance to trust and have hope. Granted I want to pee my pants about every three minutes and freaking out comes as naturally as breathing right now.

Today I have no time to breathe, I am going to class, work and then my brother has wanted to talk with me about coming out before I talk to my parents. It might be a good thing that I do not get any time to think about this until tomorrow.

Goodness Friday...

This Friday I will tell my parents that I am gay.

Things really started to hit me this weekend. I started to feel nervous, hopeful and frustrated. How do I go about this? Are there words that I can say that will make this situation better? Are there words that I can say that will make this situation worse?

I have started writing my thoughts down on paper, how I will preface this, what I will say afterwards. There are also boundaries that I am setting up for what will and will not be acceptable reactions. Not that I want to limit what my parents are feeling, but there are definitely reactions that will be so damaging and so hurtful that they must know that is not acceptable. I am really hoping that it never comes to that.

Every time that I am in my car, I am practicing my talk, coming up with new scenarios and figuring out the things that I MUST say.

At least once a day now, I will start to cry. It is not always out of fear or sadness over what might happen, it is just as often out of hope of what they might say, what might come of this. 

I was talking with my good friend last night and I told him that my ideal, no holds barred, reaction from my parents would be if they told me that they were already working through it. They knew  already that I was gay and have been preparing for me to tell them. They have been going to PFLAG meetings and ready to work through this with me. Although this is wildly unrealistic, it let me see what I desire, where I want us to be, and for that I wept.

There is also a deeply seeded fear of them pulling religion out on me. I have already decided that we are not going to argue scripture in this conversation, no good can come of that. I fear that they are going to feel that I have turned my back on God, that I am choosing this over God and that these two things can never coexist. The homosexual people in their lives are either wildly conservative "ex-gays", or, well, that's actually it! This scares me a bit. 

What I do know to be true is the deliberation that has gone into this. Not only my coming out to them, but my whole relationship with God ever since I knew this about myself. I will definitely write more about this later, but I feel confident, well, as confident as faith allows, that God is standing with me on this.

There is truth in this...

I have spent the last 4 weeks coming up with a plan for coming out to my family. In the very beginning of February I decided that I was going to come out to my parents in the middle of March. This would give me enough time to contemplate, plan and get up the nerve.

Little did I know that there would be logistics, and a lot of them, in the coming out process. I have to plan around my parents' schedule, request time off from work so that I could make sure that there was a clear evening on my weekend. I have to plan for the worst (like being asked to leave) and make arrangements with people for where to stay if things go a certain way. I am planning for them to maybe need some time to recover, think and ask questions...alone, so I am planning a trip to be with some friends after I tell them, and therefore requesting more time off of work. I am also aware that leaving them alone may not be the best action, because I am afraid that they will turn to their friends, who don't have experience with this situation, and get advice that could be very destructive in how they plan to deal with this.

I have spent the last four weeks talking with friends, friends of friends and God. I am not far from God these days, actually closer than I expected. People have spoken so much truth into my life recently and I feel that God is right there inside of those words, that peace. 

In planning my conversation with my parents, I have discovered a lot about myself and my view of homosexuality. I have realized how much thought and sacrifice has gone into this moment that is about to happen. I had the chance to move to basically anywhere I wanted, I moved home so that my family and I could work through this and move on from here. I moved home because I trust that we can pick up and grow.

When trying to figure out what the reaction of my parents will be, I find fear starting to creep into my heart and my thoughts. 

"What if they say those words that I really fear?" I told a friend. "What if they say, we love you but..." and then go on to say that they do not approve, they do not ever want me bringing someone home, etc...

My friend responded by saying "'but' is not an option. Their love is not conditional and you are not telling them something that you chose to do. You are telling them a part of who you are. They do not get to choose what part of you they love, they get to love all of you."

Those words have given me strength and hope. In this final week before the moment, I will find myself in a lot of prayer, thought, conversation and love. Things are building and preparing, and I feel that I will be ready. I pray that God will present the moment and prepare the hearts...

How I Long to Be Received, How I Desire For You to be Received...

I think joy and sweetness and affection are a spiritual path. We're here to know God, to love and serve God, and to be blown away by the beauty and miracle of nature. You just have to get rid of so much baggage to be light enough to dance, to sing, to play. You don't have time to carry grudges; you don't have time to cling to the need to be right.

-Anne Lamott-

A Dream I Have...

As I have said before, I find myself researching a lot of topics having to do with homosexuality, the church, coming out, Christianity and what the Bible says about these topics, and a lot more. When I looked at my Google history today the topics that I had searched for ranged from "coming out to parents," How to spell the word "bidet," (don't ask) and "coming out, standing for truth." Quite a variety!

One of the most thoughtful and important searches that I have done recently has been the words "father of a gay son." I have been wanting to read stories from fathers of gay sons and how they reacted, how they have grown and what these varied experiences have looked like for these families.

I don't just search for these topics out of a thirst for knowledge or neuroticism, I look for stories that will provide hope and a chance to believe that good things can happen. 

During this search about father and son relationships, I discovered an article written by a father of a gay man. The process this man went through, with and without his son, is beautiful. I can only hope that my father can get here and that I will have the patience to walk with him until he does.

Click Here to read the article

Trust me, it is well worth your time!

When we started...where we finish

When I started this blog, I strongly desired it to be like so many inspiring things I read...relatable. I wanted an overall message, sense of inclusion, in each post. 

Now, only 9 posts later, I find myself getting very personal and obviously specific about, well, me. I no longer think that as a diversion from where I started, but more a new path. I will share, I will think outloud, and I will definitely get boring from time to time! Oh well!

I use this preface because I want to share something very personal, something very important and something that could use the love, prayer and thoughts of anyone reading this. I have decided that it is definitely time to tell my family that I am gay. I have known for a few years that I can not wait any longer, yet I have waited.

NO MORE:

No more fear, waiting, stalling, crying, anger, pent up frustration

It is time and I have set the date for the middle of March. 

I am terrified of what will happen. 

Based on side comments and views shared throughout our time together, I feel that this could be very hard.

Time to Stand part 2

These last few weeks have been very full of thought and action in regards to my future, my relationships and how I want my life to be. A lot of that has revolved around where I want to be and who I want to be known by.

One of my closest friends, and one of my strongest anchors here, is a high school English teacher. He deals with a variety of students, most of which seem not to care that much about school, teachers or life in general (think "Dangerous Minds" without the 2 hour simple ending). He was recounting a story to me last week in which he found a note or something that was written about one of his students, it said "So and so (I forget her name) is white and gay."

My friend took this note and read it out loud to the class, he stopped and then said aloud "what's wrong with being white and gay? My best friend is white and gay." (insert me smiling widely and swelling with pride at my friend!)

After saying this, one of his students said. "How do you know?" "Because he told me," he replied. The student seemed shocked. This is probably one of the first times that they have ever heard someone speak positively of a gay person.

I am so proud of my friend, of the stand he took and of what that means for how he views me as a person, no, not just me, but all people! I am so proud of his heart, his advocacy for acceptance. Thank you

Time to Stand...

My car is in the shop right now, so I have been driving my mom's van, meaning that I do not have my CD's with me. This morning I was flipping around the station's on the radio and I came across a radio show that was talking about terrible Valentine's Day gifts. They were talking about this awful shirt that the couple wears and when they are near each other, the shirt lights up...CHEESY! Well, during this show, the host was describing the shirts and he said that they were the "gayest thing ever." This immediately stopped my enjoyment of the show. It also made me realize that it is time to stop letting these things sit there and grow.

If we hear, see or experience something that is harmful or hateful towards a person or group of people, it is our job as advocates for mankind to speak up. I am tired of sitting and internalizing my frustration.

Of course there is a time and place for all things and you have to be careful about how and when you bring these things up. I emailed the show and let them know that I would not be listening to that show again because of the things said (little do they know I was not going to listen to that show again anyways).

Looking Back

I was reading through old journal entries today and I found this from 2/16/2007

A thousand times a day I wonder why?

I hope to wonder how?

I'm done caring for myself through your eyes.

It is time to shed these tattered clothes

My garment is neither a dramatic black,

Nor is it a spotless white.

I wear a wardrobe of vibrant colors

that may confuse

everyone

but me.

There will be love...

I had the amazing opportunity to spend some days with a dear friend of mine this week. Our time together consisted of lots of food, quite a bit of laughter and dancing and much, much conversation about our lives. Not the kind of conversation where you are waiting for the next break to insert your stories, but the kind that flows and moves organically, where you do not feel that you are giving or taking too much but that you are really sharing openly and lovingly.

We touched on many topics and shared very much about our lives, where we have been and where we hope to be going. I was incredibly moved by her love, her honesty, her hugs and her tears. She spoke truth about her life and deeply rooted truth into mine. I felt that I have been wept for in my struggle of finding God and hope in a place that makes it so easy to lose oneself. 

There was a point in our time together, there was a comfort of being at ease, of letting down all the walls and being loved by her, by God, for this life I am deeply bushwhacking my way through. 

Later in that evening, we went to an Ash Wednesday service and there was time for meditation, thought and prayer. I felt so open to communicate and relate with God at this point. I paused in the silence and asked God plainly: "What do you want from me?" This question was a little more in desperation than stubborness. The answer was personal, beautiful and chain-loosening. Maybe in the near future I will share it with you, right now it is mine to grow and discuss. 

For anyone reading this I pray for a place of peace and God for you today. 

We've come so far, yet...

My entire youth was spent in a Southern Christian culture. Christian Private schools for junior high and high school, a Christian college etc... My first experiences with God were inside these atmospheres, these cultures. I knew God in my conservative life, my rules, my friends and family. 

It was nice to be able to cut lines across topics and say "NO, that is wrong and this is why..." or "this is what the Bible says about..." 

I have changed some since that time. I have become more honest with who I am. Among many things, I am:

• Creative
• Eccentric
• Gay
• Wildly loyal
• Seeking Depth
• Accepting
• Easily Hurt
• Faithful
• Hopelessly romantic
• Proud

By writing just a few of the things that come to mind, I see honesty in my struggles and a definite appearance of God. When I was happy to pass out my opinions on things that I had little to no experience in, I was not being honest with myself. I was creating rules and guidelines that made me feel like I could control and create a world that didn't really exist. 

I now find myself in another place in life. A more honest, challenging place. I can not say that I love every bit of it. One of the greatest struggles that I find is that my moral core was kind of developed during those Bible beating times, so when I find myself standing up for my convictions now, I find little parts of me feeling guilty that I am convicted or acting on things that I would not have agreed with 10 years ago. I will always feel pulled, at least slightly, to the beginnings of my discovery of God.

If I were to return to the same system of beliefs that I had 10 years ago, I would no longer find it fulfilling or enriching in any way, it is just not where I am right now. That does not change the fact that I have been affected heavily by those times, thoughts and convictions. My struggle is what do I do with that now? Where do I move?

While I often feel that I am being swept around wildly beneath a current that prevents me from knowing which way is up, I strongly hope that these experiences will also be laying foundations for what tugs and convicts me in my relationship with God, faith and people in the experiences to come.

Give me a break...

I spent the evening with my brother tonight. We went to dinner, saw a movie and talked a little bit. Overall it was a good night, we got along how we normally do. The thing is, we normally see things from completely different angles. 

This became apparent, again, in a conversation that we were having about minorities taking offense to comments that could subjectively be taken as derogative, depending on the context. I tended to side more with the minorities in their desire for non-oppressive language, or even language that could be construed as maybe offensive. My brother was more for the side of people needing to not be so sensitive and letting things roll off their backs. 

During the conversation, a thought occurred to me: 

I take strong offense to negative comments made about GLBT people because it takes away from me feeling whole, feeling like a person worth much. Not to say that every comment makes me feel worthless, but if someone is never affirmed in their identity, or a part of who they claim to be, then the anger, frustration and hurt will never cease.

My question is how can we spend our time seeing how people's identities have value in our own lives and communities instead of breaking into separate groups that feel attacked and misunderstood?

Love, Hate Relationships

I have this nasty habit of looking for things that I know will infuriate me. I sometimes Google combinations of words like "gay christian" or "gay marriage," just to see and read things that I already know my reaction to. I usually rationalize these actions by telling myself that I am educating myself on what people say. I really know that I am hoping for that unlikely chance that the sites that I expect hellfire from will turn and say a kind or graceful word towards loving all people.

Last night I started my Google search as normal and decided to actually be productive with it. I Googled the church that I have been attending because I wanted to see if there was anything about their beliefs on homosexuality. The exact search was "(church name) gay." I actually found out quite a few things about what the head pastor and congregation believe, but that is not really the point of my post. I ran across a very familiar phrase while doing my perusing: "love the sinner, hate the sin." These words brought back floods of memories to my junior high and high school days when I would preach that theology so proudly. Basically what that boiled down to in my world was "tolerate the sinner, talk about them behind their back." I have a tough time finding people that put successful practice to this phrase.  

Before coming out to anyone, I would walk into bookstores and look for books that said anything about faith and homosexuality, hoping desperately that I would find an affirming revelation. I did not, but I did read a line in a book, that I believe was called "Homosexuality and the Church," that really stuck with me. It was written by a gay man that had experienced a lot of anger and blame about being gay from the church, he responded by saying something along the lines of "love the sinner, hate the sin has done so much damage to me, either love me for me or don't bother." While this comment is definitely built on hurt and a past, there is definitely relatable emotion behind these words.

I often hear that we should not rely on anyone but God, this does not take away from the necessity of relationships, support and love in our lives. My growth toward God is so much due to my friendships and companionship with people who walk with me, dialogue with me and share with me.

I think my journey lies on the edge of my struggle. I have known I was gay ever since puberty, I don't think it is something to change. I don't think it is a sin, but it seems hard to find a group of people that love...period. People are such a significant role in my relationship with God and when I can't find people to show God's love and acceptance, it makes the way I see God foggier. 

Ideas behind this

I just want to lay out my intentions and thoughts behind this blog:

Being a man that identifies himself as both a Christian and gay, I have a lot of thoughts, questions and comments floating around in my head. I basically want a place that allows me to write down my thoughts, share them with those who want to read, and maybe occasionally get some comments or feedback. 

I am doing this anonymously because:

a.) I want to feel free to share any and all thoughts openly

b.) I am not openly gay with many of the people in my life

c.) my identity is not as important as the ideas that I want to look into

I hope to be honest and respectful to God and myself in this journal.