The day after...

The day after my last post, my parents wanted to sit down and "hear my story." I became very nervous, frustrated and overwhelmed. What was I going to say to summarize the last 14 years of my life with this experience? How would I convey to them my faith and how God has been a part of all of this?

I finally realized that it was not my job to show them the last 14 years, to give them the full experience. Most of the change that I want to see in them will have to be shown by me being genuine, honest, and most of all, taking action and demonstrating the things that I desire to be seen as.

There are about 100 blog posts that could tell you about all of the things that happened before and after that talk, and for the respect of my family and our relationship I will keep that between us, but please know that things became hopeful finally. I heard my parents say some of the very words that I seriously only dreamt that they would say. I felt that there has been a line of communication opened between us, small, but open.

We dig and we dig and we dig

It has only just begun, and I know that I will look back on where I am now and say "oh, if only I knew what I was in for," and I am glad right now that I do not. I feel displaced and unwelcome, frustrated and unheard. I feel that my family has already begun a path to "fix" me and have not yet let me in on their thoughts, nor have they asked questions.

Today I took my collection of homosexual books out of my closet (ironically) and put them on my shelf. They are no longer something to hide. The five books that I own on this topic are nothing to be ashamed of, nothing embarrassing, but instead, markers of what I have quietly been desperate to know and hear from people that I was too afraid to talk to.

The 5 books that I am now proud to showcase:

"The Church and the Homosexual" by John J. McNeill

"Taking a Chance on God" by John J. McNeill

"Out of the Past, Gay and Lesbian History from 1869 to Present" by Neil Miller

"Boys like us, Gay Writers tell their coming out stories" 

One Teacher in 10, LGBT Teachers share their experiences" 

I hid these books behind less interesting and controversial books in hopes that nobody would see them, much like I used to hide my cigarettes behind my book "How to Stay a Christian in College." But now, even in the midst of it all, I am happy to quietly put them on my bookshelf next to everything else that I am comfortable showcasing. 

While looking through these books again, I found a preface by John J.McNeill in his book "The Church and the Homosexual" that I remember connecting with so intensely during a time of great fear and hiding. It was about a year ago and I had received this book in the mail, afraid that it would not be hidden or properly packaged so that the place I was living would figure out what I had ordered. I opened the book and tried to take in all of it at once, wanting every bit at the same time. Here is what I found in the preface:

"At this point, the ignorance and distortion of homosexuality, the use of 'stereotypes and falsehoods' in an official Vatican document, leads us who are gay Catholics to issue the Vatican a serious warning. Your ignorance can no longer be excused as inculpable; it has become of necessity a deliberate and malicious ignorance. In the name of all Catholic gays and gays and lesbians everywhere, I cry out 'Enough!' Enough of your distortion of the Scripture that make homosexuals the scapegoats of every disaster! Jesus himself in Luke 10:10 recognized the sin of Sodom as inhospitality to the stranger, yet you support the interpretation of that sin as homosexual activity. Through the centuries you have supported sodomy laws that have sent thousands of gays to their deaths. You continue to claim that a loving homosexual act is condemned in Scripture, when competent scholars are nearly unanimous in admitting that nowhere in Scripture is there a clear condemnation of sexual acts between two gay men or lesbians who love each other.

"Enough! Enough of your effort to reduce all homosexual acts to expressions of lust, and of your refusal to see them as expressions of deep, genuine human love! Enough of your effort to lead young gays to internalize self-hatred with the result that they are able to relate to God only as a God of fear and hate, and lose all hope in a God of love! Enough of your recent efforts to foster hatred and discrimination against us in the human community! Enough of an ignorance for which there is no excuse. Enough of driving us from the home of our mother, the Church, and denying us the fullness of human life and sexual love. Enough of fostering discrimination against us, even violence and gay-bashing. We cried out to you for bread, you gave us a scorpion instead!"

-John J. McNeill-

I can't forget the time or place...

It happened, I told my parents that I am gay on Friday night. 

There is not a lot of energy to share much, but it did not go very well. I left feeling that I had possibly hurt them permanently and in an unrecoverable way. I do not regret what I said though, because I know the intention behind it, I know the thought and prayer and love that went into this and I hope so deeply that it will show through...soon!

I went out of town to be with friends and will be coming home today, I pray for hope. I pray for God's hand to be in mine as we walk through that door together.

Here we come...

I am really trying to appreciate this time the best that I can. I know that I will remember these days and this experience always, and I just want to enjoy the chance to trust and have hope. Granted I want to pee my pants about every three minutes and freaking out comes as naturally as breathing right now.

Today I have no time to breathe, I am going to class, work and then my brother has wanted to talk with me about coming out before I talk to my parents. It might be a good thing that I do not get any time to think about this until tomorrow.

Goodness Friday...

This Friday I will tell my parents that I am gay.

Things really started to hit me this weekend. I started to feel nervous, hopeful and frustrated. How do I go about this? Are there words that I can say that will make this situation better? Are there words that I can say that will make this situation worse?

I have started writing my thoughts down on paper, how I will preface this, what I will say afterwards. There are also boundaries that I am setting up for what will and will not be acceptable reactions. Not that I want to limit what my parents are feeling, but there are definitely reactions that will be so damaging and so hurtful that they must know that is not acceptable. I am really hoping that it never comes to that.

Every time that I am in my car, I am practicing my talk, coming up with new scenarios and figuring out the things that I MUST say.

At least once a day now, I will start to cry. It is not always out of fear or sadness over what might happen, it is just as often out of hope of what they might say, what might come of this. 

I was talking with my good friend last night and I told him that my ideal, no holds barred, reaction from my parents would be if they told me that they were already working through it. They knew  already that I was gay and have been preparing for me to tell them. They have been going to PFLAG meetings and ready to work through this with me. Although this is wildly unrealistic, it let me see what I desire, where I want us to be, and for that I wept.

There is also a deeply seeded fear of them pulling religion out on me. I have already decided that we are not going to argue scripture in this conversation, no good can come of that. I fear that they are going to feel that I have turned my back on God, that I am choosing this over God and that these two things can never coexist. The homosexual people in their lives are either wildly conservative "ex-gays", or, well, that's actually it! This scares me a bit. 

What I do know to be true is the deliberation that has gone into this. Not only my coming out to them, but my whole relationship with God ever since I knew this about myself. I will definitely write more about this later, but I feel confident, well, as confident as faith allows, that God is standing with me on this.

There is truth in this...

I have spent the last 4 weeks coming up with a plan for coming out to my family. In the very beginning of February I decided that I was going to come out to my parents in the middle of March. This would give me enough time to contemplate, plan and get up the nerve.

Little did I know that there would be logistics, and a lot of them, in the coming out process. I have to plan around my parents' schedule, request time off from work so that I could make sure that there was a clear evening on my weekend. I have to plan for the worst (like being asked to leave) and make arrangements with people for where to stay if things go a certain way. I am planning for them to maybe need some time to recover, think and ask questions...alone, so I am planning a trip to be with some friends after I tell them, and therefore requesting more time off of work. I am also aware that leaving them alone may not be the best action, because I am afraid that they will turn to their friends, who don't have experience with this situation, and get advice that could be very destructive in how they plan to deal with this.

I have spent the last four weeks talking with friends, friends of friends and God. I am not far from God these days, actually closer than I expected. People have spoken so much truth into my life recently and I feel that God is right there inside of those words, that peace. 

In planning my conversation with my parents, I have discovered a lot about myself and my view of homosexuality. I have realized how much thought and sacrifice has gone into this moment that is about to happen. I had the chance to move to basically anywhere I wanted, I moved home so that my family and I could work through this and move on from here. I moved home because I trust that we can pick up and grow.

When trying to figure out what the reaction of my parents will be, I find fear starting to creep into my heart and my thoughts. 

"What if they say those words that I really fear?" I told a friend. "What if they say, we love you but..." and then go on to say that they do not approve, they do not ever want me bringing someone home, etc...

My friend responded by saying "'but' is not an option. Their love is not conditional and you are not telling them something that you chose to do. You are telling them a part of who you are. They do not get to choose what part of you they love, they get to love all of you."

Those words have given me strength and hope. In this final week before the moment, I will find myself in a lot of prayer, thought, conversation and love. Things are building and preparing, and I feel that I will be ready. I pray that God will present the moment and prepare the hearts...

How I Long to Be Received, How I Desire For You to be Received...

I think joy and sweetness and affection are a spiritual path. We're here to know God, to love and serve God, and to be blown away by the beauty and miracle of nature. You just have to get rid of so much baggage to be light enough to dance, to sing, to play. You don't have time to carry grudges; you don't have time to cling to the need to be right.

-Anne Lamott-

A Dream I Have...

As I have said before, I find myself researching a lot of topics having to do with homosexuality, the church, coming out, Christianity and what the Bible says about these topics, and a lot more. When I looked at my Google history today the topics that I had searched for ranged from "coming out to parents," How to spell the word "bidet," (don't ask) and "coming out, standing for truth." Quite a variety!

One of the most thoughtful and important searches that I have done recently has been the words "father of a gay son." I have been wanting to read stories from fathers of gay sons and how they reacted, how they have grown and what these varied experiences have looked like for these families.

I don't just search for these topics out of a thirst for knowledge or neuroticism, I look for stories that will provide hope and a chance to believe that good things can happen. 

During this search about father and son relationships, I discovered an article written by a father of a gay man. The process this man went through, with and without his son, is beautiful. I can only hope that my father can get here and that I will have the patience to walk with him until he does.

Click Here to read the article

Trust me, it is well worth your time!