same old spots, new light

On paper, it looks like I am in the same place I have been. Mentally it feels similar. But I get to watch it through other people's eyes, friend's eyes and I see that much has happened. I must be cautious, very cautious to find the line between exploring this part of my life, being fascinated with growing in this part of who I am, and losing myself in this part of life.

I can't...

I have been talking with several close friends and other trusted people about what to expect from loved ones when I came out. The general consensus is that I should not expect them to change their views or accept the fact that I am gay.

The most confusing thing that I have been trying to wrap my head around is that I have been told that they can still love me fully and love me for who I am without approving of my homosexuality. Both my counselor and many loved ones have been telling me this and every time, I have fought my common sense, and tried to figure out how I can be okay with my parents never being okay.

Very recently, I had a conversation with my mom about the fact that she claims that she will never be alright with me being in a relationship and that she prays constantly for my trust in God to fulfill my relational desire. The conversation went on to contain more personal things that do not need to be shared.

While this is not new information, it has hit me harder than it has ever before. I am saddened by the fact that my parents have no desire to try to grow into where I am, and while it may be hard to accept, I can not take no for an answer. I can not accept that they might never embrace the man that I will love as family and that they claim a right to be unloving to him because they refuse to grow or question what they know for the sake of their own son. 

Clearly, I am angry and sad and heart-broken, but, I realize that I can not accept this, and that is good. I can not tolerate them tolerating a part of who I am. Granted that being gay is not a decision, but being in a relationship is, their comfort in being stagnant and growing stronger in their convictions without trying to see the other sides makes me want to mourn for all of the things that may never be. 

I still hold hope now, even though all of my experience tells me to cut my loses and move on...I can't. My family will always be able to wedge hope into me and I pray that I can show my heart into their ideas.

One Small Step Out...

Many thoughts and feelings have led me to where I am right now.

One being a coffee shop in Montrose in Houston

The other being ready to start being more open about myself as a gay man amongst other things.

It all started with an incredible urge to do a spring cleaning this morning when I woke up. I began with cleaning out my Facebook account. I cleared out over 200 of the people that were listed as "friends" that I had not talked to in over a year. I am down to a measly 375 friends now! :) Anyway, I then worked up to cleaning my bathroom, bedroom and car. There was a strong desire inside of me to move and fix things up.

While cleaning up my Facebook world and going through my list of "friends," I kept asking myself, "is this someone that I want to know that I am gay when I eventually decide to share that? Is this someone that I want to include in that information?" That is where the elimination of 200 people began.

It also stirred a deep need in me to not need to regulate who I tell anymore. While this is a process, I am excited to start getting there...which is a reason that I linked this no longer as-anonymous blog with my Facebook page!!!

As found here