Forgetting that it is so good...

There is a powerful and consuming feeling that I had for the last two years of my life. Maybe for the last 15 years, I forget now. This feeling took so much of my energy and time, wrapped it's legs around my heart and squeezed tightly until I lost my breath. This was the feeling of fear and inadequacy towards disappointing those close to me. Even before I came out to my parents, I had the ideas that I would somehow have to convince myself to like women, marry one someday, even if we had to make an arrangement where we were really just good friends, and fool everyone. I am sorry, but how fucked up is that? How does that make anyone happy? How does that reflect God's love, will, desire for us, for me?

After coming out to my parents, I felt an intense pressure of disappointment, granted, much of that was pressure put on by myself. Pressure that I had built up from the last decade and a half of fear. Living in the same house as them for the next 16 months was not a great thing for either one of us. There were good times and even good conversations, but the pressure, oh, the pressure. I always felt that I had to balance a mix of respect, fear and hiding parts of who I am. Again, this was mostly created by myself, in my head, by me. My parent's encouraged me to share what I was doing and thinking with them, it just became so hard to do because of the awkwardness and difficulty of the subject matter. While they said they wanted to know what I was thinking and doing, the actual conversations were too painful and it seemed easier to just stop.

I say these things with deep love for my parents, but with an understanding that we are in a place of confusing miscommunication and we do not understand one another right now.

Since moving to Austin at the end of June, I have been creating a network, circle of people that I would love to be with in community, meal sharing, late night conversations and life questions that have no answers. I have also been meeting many, many people through social outings and just being alive in this great city. What I have taken for granted, mainly because it feels so natural, is that I have spent little to no time guarding people from the fact that I am gay, or even thinking about the social implications. No tricky games in my head. No fear that if this person who knows my friend Joe whose mom is in bible study with my mom finds out that I am at this event then I will have some 'splainin' to do. Just free, just me and I easily forget that this is so good.

A great video about faith and sexuality

"How devastating for all of these kids that couldn't figure out that it was better to be gay than dead. That's not religion, that's not God, that's not good.
No one understands completely anyone else, and the sooner we're able to realize that we don't understand other people, and that's ok, we're not supposed to, the easier it is to just be alright and ok with other people's decisions."

Last Straws...

I have no excuse for being deliriously tired right now at 10 am after a full night's sleep, but I am. Some of my thoughts are half-baked, but I will attempt to share.

I am realizing that my faith, maybe it is more appropriate to say that my religion, is reaching its final days. I am not willing to let go of so much, but everything in me is ready to say goodbye and pull the plug. I am so tired of trying to make myself and my deepest rawest parts fit into a place where they just won't go.

When I moved to Austin, I thought that this is my last big push to reconcile God and my faith, my spiritual life. If I don't find a place where there are people that love me as I am, embrace the way that God made each of us, then I am done and I don't really know what that means.

As Regina Spektor says, "but God can be funny". Since moving to Austin, I have moved in with two wonderful women who are in different and beautiful stages of their faith and are very open to asking questions, listening and struggling. I have met a new friend that has a beautiful understanding of his faith and sexuality and is very open to discussing it.

I still feel that there is death that is imminent, but I do not think it is a bad thing. In a conversation with my roommate, she asked if I was angry at God for being gay, for the way that the church has become exclusive and claimed the right to deny people that are different entrance into their community and worship circles. I answered immediately, "no, I am not angry at God, I am angry at people. I have been very hurt by people, ignorance and a lack of compassion."

There is death in the air, but it is the death of trying to fit where I don't. It is the death of my lies to myself and of the attempt to fit into the religion of my youth that bound me so long from truth, freedom and God.

I am moving forward with faith that fits better, more comfortably, more realistically. Words, especially at 10 am, don't come near explaining what I intend them to. but that is alright. All that I am trying to say is that there is birth and new life coming from the casting off of my old skin which no longer seems to do anything but weigh me down.

A community...

While there have been far too few posts in the last many months, it is not for lack of thought or movement in my life.

Since I have last posted I have:
moved to Austin
started developing new and wonderful friendships
realized so much:

One of the main reasons that I moved to Austin was that I wanted to be free to develop the community that I wanted to a part of. When I reflect on my friends, I see that they are a fair and wonderful representation of the many parts of my life. What I have realized is that this statement is lacking in one area: the gay part of my life. As much as I try to fill my desire for lgbt community through conversation with my many wonderful, heterosexual friends, something important and filling is missing and that is true community with lgbt members in my life.

I am excited at the prospect of what Austin holds for me. This next chapter of my life will be about exploring my life in the gay community while holding on to the other aspects and relationships that are so dear to me and who I am.