We've come so far, yet...

My entire youth was spent in a Southern Christian culture. Christian Private schools for junior high and high school, a Christian college etc... My first experiences with God were inside these atmospheres, these cultures. I knew God in my conservative life, my rules, my friends and family. 

It was nice to be able to cut lines across topics and say "NO, that is wrong and this is why..." or "this is what the Bible says about..." 

I have changed some since that time. I have become more honest with who I am. Among many things, I am:

• Creative
• Eccentric
• Gay
• Wildly loyal
• Seeking Depth
• Accepting
• Easily Hurt
• Faithful
• Hopelessly romantic
• Proud

By writing just a few of the things that come to mind, I see honesty in my struggles and a definite appearance of God. When I was happy to pass out my opinions on things that I had little to no experience in, I was not being honest with myself. I was creating rules and guidelines that made me feel like I could control and create a world that didn't really exist. 

I now find myself in another place in life. A more honest, challenging place. I can not say that I love every bit of it. One of the greatest struggles that I find is that my moral core was kind of developed during those Bible beating times, so when I find myself standing up for my convictions now, I find little parts of me feeling guilty that I am convicted or acting on things that I would not have agreed with 10 years ago. I will always feel pulled, at least slightly, to the beginnings of my discovery of God.

If I were to return to the same system of beliefs that I had 10 years ago, I would no longer find it fulfilling or enriching in any way, it is just not where I am right now. That does not change the fact that I have been affected heavily by those times, thoughts and convictions. My struggle is what do I do with that now? Where do I move?

While I often feel that I am being swept around wildly beneath a current that prevents me from knowing which way is up, I strongly hope that these experiences will also be laying foundations for what tugs and convicts me in my relationship with God, faith and people in the experiences to come.

Give me a break...

I spent the evening with my brother tonight. We went to dinner, saw a movie and talked a little bit. Overall it was a good night, we got along how we normally do. The thing is, we normally see things from completely different angles. 

This became apparent, again, in a conversation that we were having about minorities taking offense to comments that could subjectively be taken as derogative, depending on the context. I tended to side more with the minorities in their desire for non-oppressive language, or even language that could be construed as maybe offensive. My brother was more for the side of people needing to not be so sensitive and letting things roll off their backs. 

During the conversation, a thought occurred to me: 

I take strong offense to negative comments made about GLBT people because it takes away from me feeling whole, feeling like a person worth much. Not to say that every comment makes me feel worthless, but if someone is never affirmed in their identity, or a part of who they claim to be, then the anger, frustration and hurt will never cease.

My question is how can we spend our time seeing how people's identities have value in our own lives and communities instead of breaking into separate groups that feel attacked and misunderstood?

Love, Hate Relationships

I have this nasty habit of looking for things that I know will infuriate me. I sometimes Google combinations of words like "gay christian" or "gay marriage," just to see and read things that I already know my reaction to. I usually rationalize these actions by telling myself that I am educating myself on what people say. I really know that I am hoping for that unlikely chance that the sites that I expect hellfire from will turn and say a kind or graceful word towards loving all people.

Last night I started my Google search as normal and decided to actually be productive with it. I Googled the church that I have been attending because I wanted to see if there was anything about their beliefs on homosexuality. The exact search was "(church name) gay." I actually found out quite a few things about what the head pastor and congregation believe, but that is not really the point of my post. I ran across a very familiar phrase while doing my perusing: "love the sinner, hate the sin." These words brought back floods of memories to my junior high and high school days when I would preach that theology so proudly. Basically what that boiled down to in my world was "tolerate the sinner, talk about them behind their back." I have a tough time finding people that put successful practice to this phrase.  

Before coming out to anyone, I would walk into bookstores and look for books that said anything about faith and homosexuality, hoping desperately that I would find an affirming revelation. I did not, but I did read a line in a book, that I believe was called "Homosexuality and the Church," that really stuck with me. It was written by a gay man that had experienced a lot of anger and blame about being gay from the church, he responded by saying something along the lines of "love the sinner, hate the sin has done so much damage to me, either love me for me or don't bother." While this comment is definitely built on hurt and a past, there is definitely relatable emotion behind these words.

I often hear that we should not rely on anyone but God, this does not take away from the necessity of relationships, support and love in our lives. My growth toward God is so much due to my friendships and companionship with people who walk with me, dialogue with me and share with me.

I think my journey lies on the edge of my struggle. I have known I was gay ever since puberty, I don't think it is something to change. I don't think it is a sin, but it seems hard to find a group of people that love...period. People are such a significant role in my relationship with God and when I can't find people to show God's love and acceptance, it makes the way I see God foggier. 

Ideas behind this

I just want to lay out my intentions and thoughts behind this blog:

Being a man that identifies himself as both a Christian and gay, I have a lot of thoughts, questions and comments floating around in my head. I basically want a place that allows me to write down my thoughts, share them with those who want to read, and maybe occasionally get some comments or feedback. 

I am doing this anonymously because:

a.) I want to feel free to share any and all thoughts openly

b.) I am not openly gay with many of the people in my life

c.) my identity is not as important as the ideas that I want to look into

I hope to be honest and respectful to God and myself in this journal.