Not enough water...

There was a thought planted in my head a few years ago. It came from a publication called If I Told You, which is written at Gordon College in Boston. In the words of the publication: "If I told you contains reflections by lesbian, gay, bisexual and questioning Gordonites. The ultimate goal is to cultivate genuine, authentic, and loving community at Gordon College." Now, keep in mind that Gordon College is a very conservative school in many senses of the word and this group was definitely roughing up some collars, but my goodness is this a great work of guts!

The idea that stuck with me for all this time was written by an acquaintance that I knew from that school. If you go to issue 1 of If I told You and read Chapter 8, you will see what affected me. It was the idea that creativity has been suppressed because of people telling us to be one way when we know deep down that we are another. We love one thing yet force ourselves to try to like the other thing. Because of this, the writer said that his inborn creativity died a little. The hope of the story comes from his coming to terms with himself and telling those around him that he is gay. He has found new light in his art, his life. I began to wonder what has been suppressed inside of me...

Tonight I was flipping through channels on television and came across a documentary on Emile Norman, a man that I had never heard of. He was an artist that came into his own in the '40s and '50s. He told the story of his long-term romance with his boyfriend, how his parents reacted to him as a gay man, but mainly about how he made a place for himself on this planet by creating his own way and loving everything that life gave him. He is an unbelievable artist that created new forms of art that had never been made before. He also created art and an understanding of the humanity of gay couples in places that you would never expect (the Masonic Temple in San Francisco).

All of this came to a head when one of Emile's great friends and men that he mentored said the following quote:

"Emile is like the father that I got to choose. He supported and encouraged all of the grandiose fantasies that you only imagined as a child. He gave the support you always dreamt you should have and was the kind of man that if you asked yourself 'if I could choose my own family, who would it be?' you would choose."

This hit me deeply today, it brought up those parts of me that have been stewing for years now. Wondering what did I miss, what could I be right now if I had been given few to no limits. Could I be great? Would I know I was great? What am I contributing right now? 

Though I am still young, I feel that I have limited my goals and abilities to fit into the things that will not be noticed. I have conformed into someone that is here and can be uncovered after much time to be sweet and thoughtful, but there is no splash. There is not art that changes the world, my heart is not pouring into something being created, I feel like I am withered and I know that the only hope is refreshment. What is refreshing? I can not take back those experiences or years, but I can reclaim my path and what is in front of me. I do not know how to be true to the person that I feel I have been created to be, but I know that the first step has something to do with finding God and myself together, alone for a while, whispering and figuring it out, then, slowly, yelling, shouting, dancing and splashing. There will be thunder and noise and we will make imprints, loud, bold and big...

The post below...

is a quick summary of all of the thoughts that have been running through my head, the insecurities, anger and questions. I guess that if I write them down, I might be able to look back in a year or two and see where I have come from here. At the same time, I find myself in the same place every time it seems, just in different corners.

The trouble is...

Will I ever heal from my anger at the church and Christians?

Is my hurt going to be the cause of my loss of who I am, of my faith?

Will these parts of me ever be reconciled?

Can I look at the word conservative without thinking it should be a four letter word?

Will I ever understand where I fit into the Christian Community as a whole?

I knew before you knew...

The weekend after I came out to my parents, I was at work and one of my close friends and his sister decided to visit me. We had a little time to chat and they started telling me about a discussion that their family had that weekend over dinner. I was a little unsettled to find out the conversation was about me and how my family was going to take the news, but relaxed when I found out how supportive and loving they were about the whole topic.

At one point, my friend's sister, said something along the lines of: "oh, I knew you were gay before you knew. I could have saved you a lot of trouble."

Statements like this are loaded with things that I have opinions about. First of all, I am a strong advocate for not judging someone based on their behaviors. Just because someone's behavior matches a stereotype, does not mean that they are a member of the group your stereotype is tied to. This kind of attitude can be equally damaging and confusing for people that are straight and are classified as gay, based on the way they act. I was also taken aback by this statement because it seems to be a way for the person reacting to show wisdom, good intuition and that they were never fooled by you during your vulnerable confused time.

I find that my friends that were totally shocked when I told them, have mostly changed their stories to "we always knew," because somehow, there is shame in not being able to identify a gay person right away!

My response to my friend's sister was "how could you have known, I didn't even know!" I wish that I would have kindly added something about the hurtfulness of judgement, even if it is correct. If it is just for the sake of being correct, then it feels prideful and there is no attempt in strengthening a relationship in it, just the joy of being correct.

All of this is mainly to say that it is important to be a voice of knowledge and change for the things that you have experienced, the things that you want to see and the things that you want to put an end to. I often go back and forth on whether or not I am too sensitive or am overreacting to people's comments when they affect me in these ways. For now, no, I am not. I feel that in order for someone to realize that what they have said is hurtful, or implies some sort of ignorance or negative connotation, they must be aware of that fact. It is your job, my job, to be a voice (often a gentle, patient voice) for gay equality in the biggest and smallest ways!