When we started...where we finish

When I started this blog, I strongly desired it to be like so many inspiring things I read...relatable. I wanted an overall message, sense of inclusion, in each post. 

Now, only 9 posts later, I find myself getting very personal and obviously specific about, well, me. I no longer think that as a diversion from where I started, but more a new path. I will share, I will think outloud, and I will definitely get boring from time to time! Oh well!

I use this preface because I want to share something very personal, something very important and something that could use the love, prayer and thoughts of anyone reading this. I have decided that it is definitely time to tell my family that I am gay. I have known for a few years that I can not wait any longer, yet I have waited.

NO MORE:

No more fear, waiting, stalling, crying, anger, pent up frustration

It is time and I have set the date for the middle of March. 

I am terrified of what will happen. 

Based on side comments and views shared throughout our time together, I feel that this could be very hard.

Time to Stand part 2

These last few weeks have been very full of thought and action in regards to my future, my relationships and how I want my life to be. A lot of that has revolved around where I want to be and who I want to be known by.

One of my closest friends, and one of my strongest anchors here, is a high school English teacher. He deals with a variety of students, most of which seem not to care that much about school, teachers or life in general (think "Dangerous Minds" without the 2 hour simple ending). He was recounting a story to me last week in which he found a note or something that was written about one of his students, it said "So and so (I forget her name) is white and gay."

My friend took this note and read it out loud to the class, he stopped and then said aloud "what's wrong with being white and gay? My best friend is white and gay." (insert me smiling widely and swelling with pride at my friend!)

After saying this, one of his students said. "How do you know?" "Because he told me," he replied. The student seemed shocked. This is probably one of the first times that they have ever heard someone speak positively of a gay person.

I am so proud of my friend, of the stand he took and of what that means for how he views me as a person, no, not just me, but all people! I am so proud of his heart, his advocacy for acceptance. Thank you

Time to Stand...

My car is in the shop right now, so I have been driving my mom's van, meaning that I do not have my CD's with me. This morning I was flipping around the station's on the radio and I came across a radio show that was talking about terrible Valentine's Day gifts. They were talking about this awful shirt that the couple wears and when they are near each other, the shirt lights up...CHEESY! Well, during this show, the host was describing the shirts and he said that they were the "gayest thing ever." This immediately stopped my enjoyment of the show. It also made me realize that it is time to stop letting these things sit there and grow.

If we hear, see or experience something that is harmful or hateful towards a person or group of people, it is our job as advocates for mankind to speak up. I am tired of sitting and internalizing my frustration.

Of course there is a time and place for all things and you have to be careful about how and when you bring these things up. I emailed the show and let them know that I would not be listening to that show again because of the things said (little do they know I was not going to listen to that show again anyways).

Looking Back

I was reading through old journal entries today and I found this from 2/16/2007

A thousand times a day I wonder why?

I hope to wonder how?

I'm done caring for myself through your eyes.

It is time to shed these tattered clothes

My garment is neither a dramatic black,

Nor is it a spotless white.

I wear a wardrobe of vibrant colors

that may confuse

everyone

but me.

There will be love...

I had the amazing opportunity to spend some days with a dear friend of mine this week. Our time together consisted of lots of food, quite a bit of laughter and dancing and much, much conversation about our lives. Not the kind of conversation where you are waiting for the next break to insert your stories, but the kind that flows and moves organically, where you do not feel that you are giving or taking too much but that you are really sharing openly and lovingly.

We touched on many topics and shared very much about our lives, where we have been and where we hope to be going. I was incredibly moved by her love, her honesty, her hugs and her tears. She spoke truth about her life and deeply rooted truth into mine. I felt that I have been wept for in my struggle of finding God and hope in a place that makes it so easy to lose oneself. 

There was a point in our time together, there was a comfort of being at ease, of letting down all the walls and being loved by her, by God, for this life I am deeply bushwhacking my way through. 

Later in that evening, we went to an Ash Wednesday service and there was time for meditation, thought and prayer. I felt so open to communicate and relate with God at this point. I paused in the silence and asked God plainly: "What do you want from me?" This question was a little more in desperation than stubborness. The answer was personal, beautiful and chain-loosening. Maybe in the near future I will share it with you, right now it is mine to grow and discuss. 

For anyone reading this I pray for a place of peace and God for you today.