Where have all the cowboys gone?...

The title of this entry is so cheesy that it reminds me of something that Carrie Bradshaw would say in a voiceover on Sex and the City, not to mention the obvious reference to Paula Cole.

Anyway...

My 27th birthday is coming up, which means that I am in a time of reflection and evaluation over where I am in life right now. I decided to surround myself with good people and a city that I love in this time, so, obviously, I came up to Austin. I am spending the weekend seeing friends and eating great food.

One of the events that I was looking forward to the most was going dancing, possibly at one of my first gay clubs, at least one of my first gay clubs as an openly gay man. My straight friend and another friend's fun sister that lives in Austin decided to go and try the scene. When we arrived, it was the typical, expected atmosphere, one which my friend would later describe as a mix between a dance club and a strip club. Waiters in underwear, dancers on stage etc... honestly it was kind of awkward. When we decided to actually start dancing, I found that atmosphere was not what I was used to for a fun night.

Now, let me interject here by saying that dancing is one of my favorite things in the entire world. Honestly, I feel closest to God when I am dancing. I am not talking about grind up on people dancing, but free, goofy dancing, the kind you do in your bathroom mirror, or when no one is looking.

So when we started dancing at the club, there was no room to move and I felt like I was being judged so intensely for every move that I was making. Some of this pressure was clearly coming from myself and my self-consciousness. I was intimidated and wanted to make a good impression. I was around gay men, some of which were attractive, of course there was pressure. The whole thing felt very dark to me though, it felt very meat market-ish. This is not a place that I would want to meet someone, to start any kind of friendship or relationship. It seemed pointless.

A mix of alcohol and pressure definitely made me reflective and I went on a bit of a downward spiral:
"Why is no one coming up to me?"
"Why haven't I ever been in a relationship?"
"Are people going to laugh at me when they realize that I have never been in a relationship?
"Why didn't I start doing this when I was much younger? Then at least I would have experience by now."

These thoughts went on and on and I became really down on myself.

This morning I woke up and realized that what I experienced and saw last night is not what I want to be. I am not a guy that is comfortable with hook-ups. Down to my core I am relational, I crave to care for people and to be cared for, deeply. This is not something that can be filled in a club or with a quick sexual encounter, and while some people find the value of these things, it is not for me, it is not a part of who I want to be.

I have believed what people, television, my own thoughts were telling me for so long and I did not even see it. I have thought that there is something shameful in not having sexual experience at my age, that there is something wrong with me. When I reversed the situation in my head and asked myself if I would laugh at another guy for not having been in a relationship, I know that I would not. I would admire it on a level, and I know that there are people out there that will see me the same way.

I do find it hard though, because my question is: "where are all of these so called 'non-gay culture' guys?" Where do you meet them, how do you find these communities? There have to be people out there that are looking for the things that I am. I guess that it is just a matter of time, patience and trust.