Different is hard to stomach...

I have been having the same inner battle for many years now. It is the struggle to desire to know people, be in communication with people and even have friendships with people that do not approve of my being gay. I know that it is only a part of me and not all of me, but it is such an important part of me and it is a part that is filled with so much hurt, emotion and frustration that I don't know if I can separate myself from those connections.

If a person and I disagree on a book, a movie, music or a TV show, that is fine, I can move on and treat them exactly the same. If there are different things that we like to do, it is easy to find things in common still, I can easily bridge those gaps of difference as I am sure that most people can. I could keep listing things that I can do, but this one feels too powerful. 

It is hard enough for me to talk calmly and reasonably with someone that believes that homosexuality is a sin. I feel like I am about to be attacked, I feel disapproved of and hurt. Every pain that I have had attached to this issue always floods back in full and creates a fear in me that is overwhelming.

While telling friends about voting no on Proposition 8, a person that I know emailed me and told me that she wanted to debate over the issue. I wrote her and told her what I thought and I read her blog posts about her thoughts. She called homosexuality (not the people, but the act of same-sex love and relationships) an abomination and repulsive. There are pages of this kind of language.

It all comes back to the fact that I believe it is impossible for me to feel loved as "the sinner" while my "sin" is being hated. I feel like a broken record, and I also feel quite intolerant because I can not open my mind to this different perspective and accept it. Maybe that is a place for me to grow to or maybe it is something that is a defense mechanism that I need to pay attention to.

These are ramblings that I will later regret publishing, but I believe the ability to share it takes away the marinating power of a secret never told.