On love...

Ok, this is going to be a post that is beyond sappy and that I will highly regret the moment that I hit publish, but nonetheless it is something that I feel I want to share and put into words:

I want love so badly, not just to be loved, not just television love, but the love that is scary and unpredictable, the kind that exceeds moods and situations. I want to love and be loved by someone so much. Often I feel that this may be impossible because of this in between life that I lead. I am growing more confident in who I am, but I still have this tiny nagging that pops up from time to time. It is a gut dropping question that was planted in me long ago and somehow incorporated heavily into the things that I know of God.

As a gay man it is shameful to share that there is doubt about my sexuality, even the smallest amount every other month, for only about a split second and only when the humidity is above 60% and the sky is covered with gray clouds, not big white puffy ones (please note that I am not confused about my attraction to the same sex, I am doubtful about what to do with it). Okay, maybe the doubt is not that infrequent, but it is still something that I am ashamed of, and then, of all things, I am ashamed that I am ashamed and feel that I will never be confident enough to love and fully allow myself to love. I fear being alone and unloved, but sometimes, even more, I fear being in love and doubting things because of issues I have not worked through. Can I work through these? God knows I am trying, have tried for the last 14 years.

I am writing this because it needs to come out (pun intended), as most things do. I need to read these words and know that God is doing something in me and in my life.

While this post was spurred by the viewing of the "Brothers and Sisters" finale (don't judge, and yet, may I say, MAGNIFICENT!) this desire to have a man that loves me and is deeply loved by me is something that I have wanted for so long, something that I have written about many times over in letters that will never be sent and questions that I hope will be answered. The last thing I want is to be someone dependent on finding love, or at least that is not what I want to live for, and I know that I stand for, live for and believe in so much more than a person to complete the picture for me. I know that the last many years have been spent to figure out who I am and what it means to stand with God. In that I have found the necessity of community and people to support, show love and stand with me and I with them. This is what I want in a spouse, a lover. 

I am posting this without rereading it because I am afraid that I would not post it otherwise, so I apologize for any typos.