Things really started to hit me this weekend. I started to feel nervous, hopeful and frustrated. How do I go about this? Are there words that I can say that will make this situation better? Are there words that I can say that will make this situation worse?
I have started writing my thoughts down on paper, how I will preface this, what I will say afterwards. There are also boundaries that I am setting up for what will and will not be acceptable reactions. Not that I want to limit what my parents are feeling, but there are definitely reactions that will be so damaging and so hurtful that they must know that is not acceptable. I am really hoping that it never comes to that.
Every time that I am in my car, I am practicing my talk, coming up with new scenarios and figuring out the things that I MUST say.
At least once a day now, I will start to cry. It is not always out of fear or sadness over what might happen, it is just as often out of hope of what they might say, what might come of this.
I was talking with my good friend last night and I told him that my ideal, no holds barred, reaction from my parents would be if they told me that they were already working through it. They knew already that I was gay and have been preparing for me to tell them. They have been going to PFLAG meetings and ready to work through this with me. Although this is wildly unrealistic, it let me see what I desire, where I want us to be, and for that I wept.
There is also a deeply seeded fear of them pulling religion out on me. I have already decided that we are not going to argue scripture in this conversation, no good can come of that. I fear that they are going to feel that I have turned my back on God, that I am choosing this over God and that these two things can never coexist. The homosexual people in their lives are either wildly conservative "ex-gays", or, well, that's actually it! This scares me a bit.
What I do know to be true is the deliberation that has gone into this. Not only my coming out to them, but my whole relationship with God ever since I knew this about myself. I will definitely write more about this later, but I feel confident, well, as confident as faith allows, that God is standing with me on this.
3 comments:
Wow. I will be thinking of you on Friday. And regardless of where I am this weekend I'll answer your phone call.
Be hopeful. And even if this first conversation isn't perfect, I believe the next conversations will get easier.
Again, having never met your parent's it is hard to gauge their reaction, but I know you and you are first and foremost their son. There is part of them in you and you are such a beautiful person that I can't help but believe that much of that comes from them.
And even more so that your inner beauty has changed them in raising you, they will not want/ be able to lose that.
It may not be perfect on Friday (I hope it is!) but I know you're doing the right thing and whether it is Friday or in the future, your parents will love and respect you more for you honestly and for being true to yourself and God.
For what it's worth, I'm standing with you as well.
Good luck.
JeniG
YOU ARE
an amazing man at that
but that is not all
be brave beautiful one
spill it forth from lips
so able to be admired
and fly fly fly
each day you are becoming
yourself
and that is FREEDOM
xoxo
pam
We are all praying for you here in Chi-town Latte. We LOVE YOU.
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