It was nice to be able to cut lines across topics and say "NO, that is wrong and this is why..." or "this is what the Bible says about..."
I have changed some since that time. I have become more honest with who I am. Among many things, I am:
- Creative
- Eccentric
- Gay
- Wildly loyal
- Seeking Depth
- Accepting
- Easily Hurt
- Faithful
- Hopelessly romantic
- Proud
By writing just a few of the things that come to mind, I see honesty in my struggles and a definite appearance of God. When I was happy to pass out my opinions on things that I had little to no experience in, I was not being honest with myself. I was creating rules and guidelines that made me feel like I could control and create a world that didn't really exist.
I now find myself in another place in life. A more honest, challenging place. I can not say that I love every bit of it. One of the greatest struggles that I find is that my moral core was kind of developed during those Bible beating times, so when I find myself standing up for my convictions now, I find little parts of me feeling guilty that I am convicted or acting on things that I would not have agreed with 10 years ago. I will always feel pulled, at least slightly, to the beginnings of my discovery of God.
If I were to return to the same system of beliefs that I had 10 years ago, I would no longer find it fulfilling or enriching in any way, it is just not where I am right now. That does not change the fact that I have been affected heavily by those times, thoughts and convictions. My struggle is what do I do with that now? Where do I move?
While I often feel that I am being swept around wildly beneath a current that prevents me from knowing which way is up, I strongly hope that these experiences will also be laying foundations for what tugs and convicts me in my relationship with God, faith and people in the experiences to come.
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