Love, Hate Relationships

I have this nasty habit of looking for things that I know will infuriate me. I sometimes Google combinations of words like "gay christian" or "gay marriage," just to see and read things that I already know my reaction to. I usually rationalize these actions by telling myself that I am educating myself on what people say. I really know that I am hoping for that unlikely chance that the sites that I expect hellfire from will turn and say a kind or graceful word towards loving all people.

Last night I started my Google search as normal and decided to actually be productive with it. I Googled the church that I have been attending because I wanted to see if there was anything about their beliefs on homosexuality. The exact search was "(church name) gay." I actually found out quite a few things about what the head pastor and congregation believe, but that is not really the point of my post. I ran across a very familiar phrase while doing my perusing: "love the sinner, hate the sin." These words brought back floods of memories to my junior high and high school days when I would preach that theology so proudly. Basically what that boiled down to in my world was "tolerate the sinner, talk about them behind their back." I have a tough time finding people that put successful practice to this phrase.  

Before coming out to anyone, I would walk into bookstores and look for books that said anything about faith and homosexuality, hoping desperately that I would find an affirming revelation. I did not, but I did read a line in a book, that I believe was called "Homosexuality and the Church," that really stuck with me. It was written by a gay man that had experienced a lot of anger and blame about being gay from the church, he responded by saying something along the lines of "love the sinner, hate the sin has done so much damage to me, either love me for me or don't bother." While this comment is definitely built on hurt and a past, there is definitely relatable emotion behind these words.

I often hear that we should not rely on anyone but God, this does not take away from the necessity of relationships, support and love in our lives. My growth toward God is so much due to my friendships and companionship with people who walk with me, dialogue with me and share with me.

I think my journey lies on the edge of my struggle. I have known I was gay ever since puberty, I don't think it is something to change. I don't think it is a sin, but it seems hard to find a group of people that love...period. People are such a significant role in my relationship with God and when I can't find people to show God's love and acceptance, it makes the way I see God foggier.